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The Identity Crisis of a Type 4

This post was begun 2 months ago and I am publishing now with a few very special edits.

My thing I've been focusing on this week is the enneagram and I've obviously made some discoveries about myself. That's what happens when you try to analyse yourself with a personality map like the enneagram.

One of the videos I made this year was titled 'Sorted.' It featured me sharing the different personality labels that I have, including myers briggs (INTJ), my Hogwarts house (Ravenclaw) and my enneagram. In the video I said I'm an 8. I need to confess that the core motivations of an 8 are not what I think is most important in life. I do often want to be in control but I would rather work on a solo project than be the leader of a group project; I'd rather work freelance than be the boss of other's.

So I'm not an 8. I did develop and use the traits of 8 when my siblings came into the picture and I felt like my idently was being threatened, so I became controlling. The thing my self actually would actually walk around thinking about most is my identity. I'm a four. A precious, emotional, flamboyant, individual. And I've often struggled with feeling different from everyone else.

Good God of all creation, just read my 'About page' and there it is plain and simple; "I'm always looking for solution. A way to understand myself, how to live the life I've been given, what I am feeling, how to master a new skill, a technique for understanding others better, a way around the difficulties that will inevitably pass, and how to communicate my passion and my story to the world".

These are the words of a true 4 wing 5.

The very first thing that was given to me, by other humans, is my name. This was the first thing the world gave me as part of my identity. The name Rebekah was a part of me and a thing that was all mine to use as my label for myself. Then I realised that when I was born, and in our small town area, a lot of people wanted to call their daughters Rebekah.

So having the name Rebekah was really hard for me growing up. Simply having the same name as me was a crime. The uniqueness of something is only saved by nothing else being like it. At least mine's spelled differently and I thank my father for changing it a couple of days after I was born. I have had too many Rebeccas in my classes at school and each time I meet someone with the same name I am guaranteed to have a small identity crisis.

Someone having the same name feels like a theft of who I am. And I hate when people think they should point out that they know another Rebekah when the meet me. As a 4, I've wanted to be the only one. So in high school I actually changed my name on the school role to 'Becky' because Rebecca Repmair kept being put in the same class as me and I needed her to go away. Seriously sharing the role with her for 3 years felt stink. It always felt like a personal attack.

And it forced me to do other things that would, not necessarily make me stand out, but would make me different from the rest of everyone I knew.

Where I grew up there were just too many other Rebbekahs, and Rebeccas. Too many for me as a 4. And I used to hope deep down that I will never meet another. I truly wanted to never meet another.

Yes, I know this is irrational and impossible. I have now realized it, so in future I may be able to deal with it better. But this kind of thinking would only come from a 4, and it should be a known fact that 4s hate meeting people with the same name.

I've realized that as a 4 with my core sin being envy and this sort of manifests by me trying to stop other people from being special by absorbing their creative talents for myself. It's hard to just let other's be the only one who can do something. That's why I've taken on minimalism, podcasts, youtube, blogging, writing, French, ASMR,

I feel too that when I really give my music to the world- which is the original thing I really started with other people will want to take that from me and that's why even though I'm always inspired by other people's music I don't want to write or somehow it won't make me special.

But let it be known that, not in my own strength, I can have forgiveness for all the other Rebekah's out there. Jesus living in me, sees these other people as beautiful unique creations and only loves them with his perfect love. Now my body is his to be alive on this side of the curtain, I can just let him take me along for the ride and love people like he does.

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