Emotions

Some things I know Right Now

June 15, 2017 Beka Ellen 0 Comments

I'm not proud to be sharing this negativity around but this blog is my own place where I am allowed to be myself. It's not all sunshine and rainbows; in fact it hasn't been since adolescence really hit me in the face. I know these statements are not true but they have been floating round my head and I've finally realised it. I haven't truly loved myself since I started dating Levi and I wanted to shine a light on some of the things that have changed.

I don't actually like being so venerable, and I thank the internet for somehow not making a whole lot of people see this post. In fact I could actually switch it to private, but maybe someone else needs to realise a lie or two that they've been believing about their-self. 



I am going to be struggling with my weight for my whole life.
- most likely if I do it on my own.
God hates fat people, and Jesus does not want to know me because I'm not skinny.

- It's a good idea to question; where in the world did that thinking come from?

I had my time of being thin at the end of high school and it's just not going to happen ever again.

- well that's sad.

When I'm hungry I am a very angry person.

- Yea, this is just a fact; it doesn't matter what my hormones are doing. Maybe I'll just grow out of it. Maybe not.

Getting hungry adds to my being angry because I hate myself for needing to eat more.

Every time I eat anything I postpone my potential to ever be skinny again.

My dad said I had to stop when I got down to 62kg and from there I began to put it all back on again.

Being 62kg was the proudest I've ever been of my body and I'll never get that back.

Everybody knows I'm a fraud because I'm not thin. I'll never be in the charts or go anywhere at all because I'm so overweight.

At this point in my life I doubt that I've ever truly been clinicly depressed because I've never attempted to take my own life, but I would give at least 20 years just to be skinny.

I need help. I have no portion control.

I am afraid to be hungry because it will make me angry. Being angry will get me kicked out of my parents house. I have no income or options to rent my own place.

- see this is truly how my brain works, I have a lot of fear that I can't actually function nicely in any sort of human relation.

I don't want to go to the gym, its where people who are already skinny go.

I just don't have any hope.

Girls that are skinny are so pretty. Their boyfriends can pick them up, they can wear a bikini, no one's judging them for being in the wrong.

I have a boyfriend and if I didn't I would feel more need to be thin.

I basically broke up with him on Christmas day to get away from that feeling of comfort.

- I already know that I have mental health problems but this is the icing on the cake.

I keep putting on more weight.

- I actually don't look at the scales, but the fit of my clothes is uncomfortable.

*     *     *

I just know that when it comes to my weight it goes deeper than just metabolism, diet and exercise; It's caused more emotional damage and self disappointment than anyone else has ever tried to understand. It's connected to my mental health in a significant way and I have probably just opened a can of worms, or it's just the tip of the iceberg.

Sigh.

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