Lifestyle

There's No Recipe to Follow.

December 26, 2016 Beka Ellen 0 Comments



We all wish there was a clear list of instructions to make life work properly but the only thing that can actually help is knowing your goal. That should be to be the perfect you that you can be. Ask God for his wisdom on a daily basis and otherwise trust your instincts.

The last few months have been really misserable for me. With my relationship with Levi I don't know what to do. I've been angry at myself for not knowing what I want. I've been totally alone. I have friends I told I want to break up. I have my family who will still consider he can be a family friend. Then Levi himself relentlessly refuses to "take a break". I'm so angry. I'm so angry.

And some of that is to do with the fact that my instinct is not telling anything clear. I hate being wrong. I hate being a hypocrite. I'm a perfectionist. I hate that a lot of the things I have promised in my life are all not what I want anymore. I promised Levi 2 years ago at new years that we will never break up. But now I am so sick of him. I need him to leave me alone. I am mad that I have had no back bone. I am mad that I have made a mess. It was never fair of him to ask that of me. It's impossible to know the future. There's no recipe to follow.

I hate being unorganized. I hate things not fitting. And I need to give myself Grace. I'm not a bad person for being confused. I'm not a bad person for feeling hurt. I'm not wrong to feel like I've lost something. I should not have to pay for ever telling the internet that I was in love with a person that I now can't see myself being happy with in the future.

I'm allowed to be sad. I have to also forgive myself for forgetting things I was going to write here or in other posts. My head cannot keep everthing in at once. Like my phone I can reach storage capacity. I don't owe anyone anything. I don't owe Levi the rest of my life. This isn't easy. I have been out through the mincer and come out the otherside not feeling like I have any power over what happens next.

I don't agree that I need a boyfriend. I need my sister, my car and my friends. I really do just need some space. I can't stay in a relationship just because someone else wants me to.
Lyrics by Birdy, Wild Horses.


To summaries, the last quarter of 2016 was rough. I don't know where this relationship is going and my heart needs a break from disappointment. Just as he can't expect me to want certain things, I can't expect him to not be who he isn't. I advise anyone who's in a similar situation to make sure you're connected with other friends and family who you can talk to.

xxoBeka

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