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Relationship Advice.


Really in my experience, if you are needing advice because you aren't feeling good in the relationship, if you aren't 100% happy at this current time, then there are some things to work on for sure. Let me tell you, you're not wrong for feeling like there's something wrong. But stop for a moment before you think that the issue is just the whole relationship in general. It could be to do with your way of thinking, and you need to talk to your partner to find out how they see the issue/s.

I'd say the rule of thumb is, if the relationship is 2 months old and in that time you haven't been completely happy with who you feel you can be when you're with this person, then they aren't ever going to optimize your life's happiness. Perhaps it is just bad timing, but you shouldn't go on wasting your efforts.

By the two month stage of my current relationship I was writing songs about him (happy songs) and I had already blurted out the words 'I love you'. Really if you don't want to get to a point of admitting that you adore this person then they just aren't the one you're looking for, and it sucks but often you need to know people for a while before you can figure that out.

So my first point of advice is actually to be friends first; because then you can get a guess first, how you're going to feel once you've been dating for around 8 weeks. And that's where I'd put the cutoff point. Don't keep waiting for them to surprise you and for you two to click together, chances are you'll just feel the same in another 2 months, and in 2 another years.


Now that doesn't mean if you feel great together at 2 months you are going to still feel that way when you've been together for 2 years. Not without effort. This is advice to myself, as much as it is to anyone out there needing a friend, as you don't have nature helping the relationship so much anymore. I talked about this in my post about ah... getting married young. Yes, a controversial topic, but being young doesn't mean one is stupid. A year and 7 months more down the track (from when I was writing songs) and I can tell you adult relationships are hard work for a number of reasons;

#1. life always continues

The planet always keeps turning, and if the lines of communication get closed then you are going to grow apart. Because every day the earth turns and you haven't strengthened your bond with one another, is a day when your body forgets their understanding, comforting friendship, and your mind clogs up with to-dos that don't relate to your partner. Both parties need to stay up to date with what's going on in your lives. Know what is testing them as the planet turns. Understand how you can be there for them as work and life asks more of them than they can give.

#2. You need to remind each other that your relationship is rewarding.

My boyfriend and I have been in trenches before where I have made acted out in frustration and caused him to believe that it is harder to be with me than it makes him happy. Thanks to God that he's had the patience to wade through the mud in those times because it's not mine or his strength that can put up with my crap for so long. It isn't at all comforting to be reminded that you're weak and human, who easily gets lost in their own shallow thoughts. The question is what makes your partner feel rewarded for being with you, and perhaps putting up with your craziness? I know my boyfriend likes a good back rub, and that's something I can do for him at the end of a long day (or any day he's been out riding).

#3. You forget doing things for them can reassure yourself that you love the relationship.

You need to keep seeing yourself as being invested. It's one thing to say I going to go to the gym, and another to actually see results on the scales, your dress size or toning. The same thing occurs as it's different to say you love someone, to actually caring for them and giving them what they may need from you.

#4. There are friends and family you have to deal with, and who judge you accordingly.

Sometimes because of the state of your relationship, especially if you two are slipping currently, you find it uncomfortable to be venerable with their friends. Everything you do and say is a reflection of how you feel, so here's some advice to the friends out there: If your mate's partner is talking badly about them, it's a sign they are scared of where things are going and they're currently on unsteady ground. Typically if they were 'all loved up' they wouldn't be mean. If they're being mean, they need help. If they're using words like jerk, idiot, f*g**t etc. then they are uncomfortable, and the current status of the relationship, yes, truly needs to be worked on. Which leads to...

#5. It can feel awful to give feedback on how things are going.

This person you're dating has the same power to reject you today, as you might have foreseen when you were first asking them out. When you two are slipping, when the communication is bad, even though you've been spending time together you still feel like you're not connecting with this person, it takes a lot of courage to order that wall to be smashed. When things are bad like that you can't really think much of how much this person likes you and wants you to be happy, instead you might just be overwhelmed by the worry that they think there's nothing wrong and there won't be any change in the way you feel.

The most obvious but the most important advice I can give it to keep those lines of communication open, and don't be afraid to reopen them. You should be kept up to date about everything, this person is meant to be your best friend. So ask them how they are. Ask them what they are worried about. Ask them what they are excited about. Ask them how they are going with God. Know what they think will happen in your future together. Ask them how work is going, how they're doing on their assignments.

What I'm having to learn in this season is that it's okay to need your partner. It's okay to admit that and it's okay to ask them to just be there for you. The downside to being venerable in such a circumstance is that it comes down to location. So it's good to know in advance, when your partner is going to take a spontaneous road trip out of town. Proof I'm actually in an adult relationship, rather than being with an immature big kid. Oh wait...

And keep celebrating your anniversaries if that was your thing to do in the beginning. You both need to be reminded that you cherish the relationship, and just because you've passed an actual milestone (1 year or Ten) it doesn't mean you can't celebrate 13, 23 or 57 months.


*     *     *

Next I'll be branch to the topic of missing your partner when they're away and with you, so stick around for that if you are interested to hear my take on it. Send me any questions you may have via comment or you can email me. Hope this has been of some help.

xxoBeka

Comments

  1. Those are some really great tips that'll always be helpful in life at one point or another. I'll share it with my friends, I'm sure they'll benefit from this advice.

    ReplyDelete

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