Lifestyle

If I Had A Time Machine

January 13, 2016 Beka Ellen 0 Comments

Recently.. No, all year I have had silly dreams of being back in high school and struggling to make it work to attend both my old high school in my home town and my course where I'm getting a music degree, which is in another city. Now I could ask an actual dream doctor what this could mean but I already know that it will be a silly insecurity to do with having totally failed year 13, and the thought that I could have tried it again to get University Entrance.

Year 13 (7th Form) for me was stressful, scary hard, and totally hopeless because I decided halfway through the years, that I was going to fail. I pretty much quit trying. My teachers knew there was something going on but no one actually thought to question me first and to offer help. The thing is, by winter of 2013 I was battling with depression. I didn't have any friends that I could trust, I couldn't be secure with the people that I knew I would not see again after graduation. I always thought that being a Christian was also something that stopped me from being accepted by my peers and wheather or not that was true I didn't have to confidence or the will to make friends with the people who came to school with the stories of their parties and otherwise being hungover, which was everyone else in my year. There were 92 of us by the end of the year. I didn't want anything to do with the others and that still had something to do with the richest, "prettiest", and most powerful, barbie-like one of the lot having picked on me in year 8. I don't remember what for, but she certainly scared me off.

I'm an introvert anyway so I preferred to be alone in the study than where everyone was in the common room. My best friend was my iPod touch and eventually through the world of the internet I was introduced to Connor, Jim, Tanya, Alfie, Tyler and Zoe. They made me smile. They kept me company when my friends stopped talking to me and eventually disappeared. I know that I didn't give much to those friendships except sharing in the personal jokes and otherwise being the red-head, but those girls and that best friend had got me through the last 7 years with a smile still on my heart.

So really do wish this had ended differently.

I wish I had said goodbye at graduation rather than crying on the way home because I didn't.

I wish I had been in the photo at the ball, instead of being in the other room unknowing that it was being taken. 

I wish I never believed Elliot (we will call him) was ever more than an acquaintance, instead of being totally heartbroken when he outright said the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me.

I wish I didn't take drama at all, instead of struggling through years of exams and arguments with the teacher because she was never clear on the task at hand.

I wish we did NOT choose to read The Lord of the Flies, because it is the most stupid book I have ever read, and The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time would actually would have thought us something about real people, with a real condition and how they think.

I wish I did join audible when I wanted to have the plays read to me in classics and by George, I wish I chose to make my architectural project about Arches instead of Baths.

I wish I didn't waste my time in Digital Media failing an album design project when I could have suck with the original brief and actually finished a magazine. 

I wish I didn't spend weeks developing an idea for a documentary about a superhero academic because that would be impossible to film.

I don't really know what could have made my experience with Hamlet (you shall know him as) because I never wanted to date in high school anyway, but I could have not let anyone else be involved and kept the excitement of my 'really like that it might even be love' to myself.

I don't really know what else I can say except no, I don't want to go back there. It doesn't matter what happened in the past and I want to let go of it. I'm much happier now with my YouTube channel and this blog and my music which is soon to be released and this time it will actually be worthy of iTunes. I'm a real adult now with dreams of a house and liquor cabinet.

I'm not going to high school anymore.

And with that I hope the dreams will stop. I have told the universe to stop pestering me and now it shall leave me alone.

xxo Beka

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