Do you want Spiritual Growth and Breakthrough?

In the last Month I've be blessed with the opportunity to spend a lot of time with God as I've been alone at home, while I'm trying to hear back from places that want to give me a job. I've been using this time to get the most of it that I can through spiritual growth and by pressing into God and seeking his truth.

The result is that I've been hearing God's voice, experiencing more visions, dreams, manifestations, and otherwise picking up on a lot going on around me in the spiritual realm. I want to share the resources I've been gobbling up and building my faith and understanding of the Lord with.


My attention was brought onto the spiritual and the plans of the enemy when I picked up a book, back in July, called The Freedom Diaries by Mark Hollaway. He's a New Zealander and came to my church at least a year ago, that's when my dad got a copy of the book. Mark teaches other people to hear from God through writing and typing out your conversations with him. I think this is an extremely effective way to force yourself to be humble and expect him to do some talking for a change. If we have the Holy Spirit living in us then we should never ever think that God is far away, instead we have a direct and open connection to the Father. So practicing this way of talking to him and hearing from him was a catalyst to hearing him more even when I'm not expecting an answer to a specific question.

Another important thing that came up while I was exploring The Freedom Diaries is the fact that the enemy's lies are always just out of reach because he's been filling the world with them for years and the world doesn't even see it. I started noticing those thoughts and seeing that Satan only ever lies. I realised I've believed and partnered with a lot of them and I wanted to get things sorted out; what is really the truth? Answer: God's word.


My journey continued with the show on Netflix called A.D Kingdom & Empire. It's also known as The Bible Continues. The 12 episodes follow what the apostles got up to and the struggles they faced as they began the New Testament church in Jerusalem and spreading. This performance of the biblical narrative from the book of Acts is really incredible to watch as it embellishes just a few things for theatrical licence. I have fallen in love with the Apostle Peter's passion and faith in Jesus as he went around preaching the gospel after Jesus ascended and sent the holy spirit. You can really see why they would have had so much opposition and issues amongst themselves as they were persecuted, particularly by Saul who also became a character I appreciate so much more now for his letters to the churches.

It's incredible now the revelation I've had, just referring to the fact that I am privileged to have copies of those very same apostolic letters to read and learn from for myself. Letters that were from the very same character's of Paul and Peter that I have come to want to be best friends with after seeing them portrayed so passionately in this piece of television. It's a truly moving and very eye opening cinematic display of the truth of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit in the first century.


I have always believed in God and never had to go through that mental barrier before I could actually experience him working in my life. Other people in the world need more convincing so it's a good thing we have the proof if anyone wants it. I recommend the YouTube channel InspiringPhilosophy. They have highly logical explanations of history that really point to the existence of God, the life and Resurrection of Jesus, and my personal favourite discovery is the proof in the old testament that Jesus was around and working as God before he was conceived as a human (Hint: he was known as the Angel of the Lord).


Next I have to lead into The Last Reformation a Ministry, Youtube Channel, and Movie surrounding a man named Torben Søndergaard, and his work to bring the churches we are in today, back to how things operated in that first movement of the church. As Christ's disciples we are commissioned to go out and preach the gospel, heal the sick, baptise with water, cast out demons and save the lost.

It's really strange how when we read the bible we will believe that the cases of Jesus casting out demons from people was real but then we think that since it's been 2000 years that maybe all the demons have died. That's not true at all, there are still hundreds of thousands of demons in this world making people sick, blind, angry, crazy, mentally ill, gender confused, sexually confused, and filling our heads with all sorts of other lies. It's very typical for people to have demons in them. It's very typical for a bad mod to be brought on by stepping into a demon. It's very typical for your negative thoughts to have been whispered into your mind by the enemy. There's no need, to be scared, we have authority over them through the spirit of God that lives in us, and we can capture those thoughts in their tracks and say no to them, but people- don't forget the enemy is real and he has plans to lie to you, confuse you and just destroy you.

There's a whole lot more inspiring stuff from that channel so go check out some of their videos.


I was next lead to find Jonathon Welton who is a seer. Someone who operates in the spiritual gift; discerning of spirits on a particularly anointed level. I have known one other seer, a family friend, who has had some trouble dealing with this gift being one that doesn't typically turn off if you have it. Seers are able to literally see those demons, angels, and the spiritual damage people have in them. They see the spiritual world through the eyes of their own spirit (we all have a spirit, along with our physical body) and this is mixed in with what is seen in the physical world.

Check out some interviews of seers and then Johnathan's 5 part lecture on how to understand the spirit realm with the most truthful and accurate description of how we and other entities occupy the same world.


This encouragement lead me to want to have a better understanding of the other gifts of the spirit (Paul lists them in 1 corinthians 12) and I found a video series that I believe to finally give me the clarity I was missing my whole life as a believer who got visions when I will pray for people.

The course is found on the YouTube Channel by Neal Reyes, where he breaks down every gift and its functions. But I'll also tell you what I now understand them to be because He doesn't really give it in such a simple to understand way.

Maybe you can look at this and finally work out what gifts you have been operating in- I always had it confused before this week.

The 9 Gifts Of the Spirit

Revelation Gifts - Eyes of God
Wisdom - A message concerning the future usually given through a symbolic vision that you will need to interpret; and then pray intersession over it if it was a warning.
Knowledge - A message concerning the past or current situation usually given through a symbolic vision that you will need to interpret.
Discerning of Spirits - Using your spiritual eyes to see the spiritual world around us (constantly or through visions), to understand what spirit motivates a person's words and behaviours. To see angels is to operate in this gift.

Power Gifts - Hand of God
Faith - A 'surge' of supernaturally unlimited faith with which one can take authority over the weather and command other 'big' miracles e.g. the reproduction of food for a large group of people.
Healings - Power and authority to command healing over each of the 39 groups of medical practice. (You may have seen people healed from smaller things originally and then it grows to more serious things).
Miracles - Being lead, sometimes in strange ways, to orchestrate miracles, eg resurrections, healings, changes in substances, production of gold, and potentially teleportations go in this group too.

Inspiration or Utterance - Mouth of God
Prophecy - To be lead to speak a message of edification, exhortation or comfort, in your own language, to the church or fellow believer. And when you pray you may be lead to pray on unexpected topics.
Spirit Tongues - To supernaturally speak in languages of men (old forgotten languages, maybe?) and to speak in the language of Angels. This is a prayer language that when the holy spirit is speaking through you, you will pray for things you don't know need praying about, and which intercedes for the future, as it also builds the presence of God. You may sometimes be lead to speak a specific message in tongues that is to be interpreted for a non-believer to hear.
Interpretation of Tongues - To be lead to speak an interpretation of a message that was spoken in tongues for a non-believer to hear and understand God message to them.

It turns out that any person who has the Holy Spirit living in them can begin to operate in all of these gifts as they grow in their walk with God, so if you want them you can pray for them. But know that they are to be used for the edification (building up) of the church; They are all meant to be encouraging, not something to be prideful about. Torben Søndergaard believes that all of us should be able to pray to command healing; especially considering that as disciples we are called to heal the sick. We need to stop believing the lie that we will not ever be able to use these gifts, and see angels or pray for someone and see them be healed, or speak in tongues. Be faithful with what you have been given and you will grow.


As I realised that I very often see visions when I pray for people (although for the last couple of years I actually suppressed doing it- don't know why), I don't always know what the symbols I see mean. I have my own feeling of what it means but I've realised that as I've been operating in the revelation gift of knowledge there really should be a more specific message from God for the person. I'm no longer happy just telling them what I think it means.

And God knows I have a keen passion for finding out information from teaching resources and I found something that as I practice, and continue to be lead by God, I have been finding more accurate interpretations for the visions I get.

So what resources do I recommend?
- First continue to be lead by the spirit for God's own interpretation.
- Second, be familiar with the word of God - the Bible is full of symbols being used to sent a message; Dreams, the book of Proverbs, Jesus' parables, and the whole book of Revelation. Many of the pictures you will have visions of will link to a use of that thing in the bible.
- Thirdly I recommend the teachings of John Paul Jackson. He hosted the show Dreamipedia and has given the case for all dreams being spiritual rather than conducted by your soul (your emotions, will, and intellect). 

So I've also been studying how to interpret dreams. I recommend watching A Case for the Biblical View of Dreams and this particular dictionary website looks very promising: Unlocking Your Dreams by Autumn Mann.

I'll use her quote to explain; "This free online Dream Dictionary is an organised listing of symbols sometimes found in spiritual dreams and their most common meanings. This should in no way be a substitute for listening to what the Holy Spirit has to say about your particular dream, but rather it is meant to be a tool to aide you in dream interpretation.

"The dream symbols & their definitions found in this dictionary stem from Autumn Mann’s own study & experience, as well as the following men & women , who have impacted this ministry profoundly. Recognition given to: “Dictionary of Dream Symbols” by Dr. Joe Ibojie, “Understanding Dreams & Visions Course 201” By John Paul Jackson, “Dream Language” by James W. & Michal Ann Goll, “Seers Handbook” by Sharnael Wolverton, & “Understanding the Dreams you Dream” by Ira Milligan."

I hope you find something in here inspiring. I think it's all very incredible stuff and I want you to be encourage to grow in your spirit so you can go on to make a bigger impact in your calling.

xxo Beka

The Problem with "God, come into my Life!"

We follow a God that doesn't need to have permission to love us and be working in our lives. He knows us, he made us, and he will always bless us even if we don't ask for it. And he's always pursuing to be close to us, as long as we let him. That is why miracles can happen when you ask God to do them. The same thing happens when you ask God to come into your life and bless you, and make you a christian. He knows your heart and what it is you are asking for and if you haven't completely acknoleged your sin and confessed to Jesus that you have done things agaist the Father; believing that the sacrifice Jesus who is God's perfect Son, was big enough to pay for the wickedness in your heart ans set you free from sin and death completly- making you a new creation, a perfect child of God... then he's not going to force the holy spirit on you to make you a new creation who has Eternal Life.

I have been in the church my whole life and I have been in the presence of God, and I have had spiritual encounters, and seen God's power at work. But, there are a lot of people in the church who are living just like I was, just quite confused about all this, and never having peace that I was made righteous. I was told that I could choose to be a christian far, far before I understood what that actually meant. There are a lot of lies being shared by people who think they know God, but are not always lead by Jesus' Spirit. So let me explain some truths that have been revealed to me by the Holy Spirit now finally living in me.

First of all, there's no such thing as being saved just so that you can go to Heaven when you die. There are not heavens in the sky that you will fly away to. If you got on spaceship to Heaven, with your "I've been saved" ticket, the craft wouldn't ever move; because this world that you live in, work in, hang out with firends in, et cetera, is where the kingdom of heaven is supposed to be. This is the world you were made to live in, and designed to florish in. This is where heaven is to join with earth and have everyone in the presence of God.

Secondly the trinity. The trinity idea has been really confusing for me. Are you unsure about 'who are we actually supposed to worship, God or Jesus? And who is the spirit, if Jesus is God's son and Jesus went back up to heaven after his resurrection, who is here on earth with us now while Heaven is still invisible? (If you believe Jesus and God are far away in a different, far away, universe, then you are believing a lie- God is right here but we cannot connect to him with sin in our hearts.)

While the apostles were all gathered in Jerusalem, at the time of the feast of Pentecost, "Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven (not from the sky, but from the invisible realm of God and Spirit) and filled the whole house where they were sitting... All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit," Acts 2:2 & 4.

So you ask, who is the Holy Spirit? 

Read from John chapter 16
"It is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Counselor will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you." John 16:7. What Jesus is talking about is going away in his body, and letting his spirit come back. He was leaving the physical realm of earth and moving into the invisible but still very real and very right here, realm of heaven and spirit. And then he describes what the spirit will do; "he will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment," John 16:8. The Spirit is a force of God's good will and Love. He keeps up from testing the boundaries of God's will. There is much freedom to live our own lives the way we'd like to as long as we aren't hurting each other. The spirit convicts us to know God's ways and he teaches us to understand the word of God, the bible.

The Holy Spirit is the Spirit that Jesus carried around when he was here- the spirit of God living in him. That's how our bodies are a temple. If someone had cleared that up for me a long time ago, I would have been better off. But God is faithful, he never gives up, and I'm finally coming to understand the truth of it.

Okay are we ready for the next point; It's You

You personally, can not be a perfect follower of God. You can't make yourself love God. You can't make yourself good enough to be his disciple. You are an imperfect person, who might be trying really hard, and good for you- do not be discoraged, but is still never going to quite manage any of it on your own. Yes, I'm saying you have always been doomed to make silly choices and even if you were trying to do things God's way, and not to do things your own way, he actually knows you'll have a hard time of it. No matter who you are. That is the human condition. We have evil hearts and we like sinning.

Just look at the Israelites in the old testament; they were supposed to be God's people; the ones who had been given instructions for how to live their best life, without hurting other people. God spoke to them and told them what to do, but this word of mouth kind of leadership doesn't work. That's why there is now Jesus Spirit, sent to do it all with us. Ask yourself now and ask God, are you following him through a word of mouth doctrine, and what you've read in the Bible, or what you've heard at church, and from other sources? If so, you have the same problem as the Israelites, and the Pharisees, and Saul before he met Jesus.

The thing that stops us from doing well at following God is sin. Our sinful self can be easily manipulated by the enemy, and is otherwise very selfish and forgets to love other people; you don't know how to truly love people unless you can get it from the source. The Holy Spirit never lets us forget to love people, and to love God. 

It is good to love the Lord your God. It is good to ask for his presence; you will find this at church around people who have the living God inside them through Holy Spirit. It is good to pray to God. It is good to worship him. It is good to want to do his will. It is good to want his strength. It is good to want to love people as he loves them. It is good to love your self as he loves you. But it is not good to do it alone and it is never going to happen in your own strength.

You can learn a lot from the Church, they will tell you about God and his massive power. They will tell you he loves you and you may here him speaking to you, and do things in your life. He does want to keep you in the church and keep teaching you things through your life, but the idea of this whole Christianity thing is that Christ's spirit has to be living in you. Be-reborn as a new creation who flees from all sin and is full of the love of the Father.

The holy spirit will come to live in us; if we really confess to Jesus all our sin and brokenness and believe that as God's Son he has the power to take it away- Jesus will replace your sinful heart that is inside you with his own heart, and the Eternal Life he was always talking about. It does mean that you have to give up all sin completely or the spirit in you will convict you. This is what we call 'dieing to yourself'. You can't hold on to the old things we wanted . "For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it," Matthew 16:25. And if you are struggling to love God, stumbling to know his will and follow him by yourself and in your own strength, then you have been trying to save yourself.

You will never grow to be perfect like Jesus. You can never learn that. You cannot practice being Jesus just from knowing about how he would behave. You cannot pretend it. You cannot get it from anything in this physical world. It has to be an absolute spiritual transformation of his complete righteousness covering your debt, and giving you a new heart, and new life. You will be a new creation, and live a life like Jesus.

I am 22, and I got baptised on the 9th of July, this year. I don't know the moment holy spirit started truly living in me but I'm struggling now to believe it was before then. Before a couple of weeks ago when I watched on Netflix AD: Kingdom & Empire - The Bible Continues. I know that since childhood I always had a relationship with God; I knew about him, and knew about Jesus and what Jesus did for me on the cross. But the power is in asking Jesus to take your sins away as he died for you- to atone from all the things that make you separate from the Father, and take them away to die with him when he did. Jesus will forgive our sins if we ask him to, he is always willing to help us be closer to the father, and if you are ready to be set free from all sin Jesus will do that for you.

You will be forgiven when you ask Jesus to forgive you- the payment has already been made; but Just following God's ways with your old sinful heart is not becoming a disciple, or accepting the Holy Spirit to make you a new human.

Jesus is the perfect lover of the Father and we cannot fully and most intimately know God without Jesus Spirit. That probably has something to do with the fact that Jesus is actually God's son. Jesus knows God the Father better than anyone else, and he loves God more than anyone else. We are his creation, and he gave us free will to partner with his mission to love and keep building in the world that he made. A big big part of being in partnership with Creator God, is that we have to let our own sinful mission die away. We can not keep living to our own will, and live our own plans for our life. Jesus Spirit helps us love the Father. Know the father, be in the Father's presence, be in the Father's love, and know the Father's will.

Because Jesus is perfect, if his spirit were living in you, you are then perfect when God looks at you, but until then he will still see that you are stumbling in your own strength. The Holy Spirit would help you know what pleases the father and his Spirit would hate doing things that are against the Father's will. The spirit gives us a compulsion to Love. I'm talking about behaving nicely and treating people as God wants us to treat them, as if we were living in his perfect 'Heaven and Earth joined together' kind of world. It is easy to follow God when you are being lead by his Son's own heart.

Jesus showed an example of someone living with the spirit in them. He really had the best manners; he was careful with his words, and he only ever spoke life. You don't usually want to treat people nicely on your own, and typically never with wanting nothing in return, but the spirit does want to love people that way, so the point is to sometimes let him take leadership over what you're currently doing. He fills you more with the love of the Father so you can share it to people, and other times he'll keep you reminded and compelled to love people with the Father's love for people. The counselor will help you want to avoid anything that brings pain- things that are sin are actually quite repulsive and God's own Spirit doesn't want to do anything that goes against his order for things. 

So the problem with "God, come into my life" is that it isn't the final stage of becoming an actual Christian. You might be agreeing with him to keep helping you live out his plan for your life. That is a great step in the direction of following God and loving him and walking with him, and I've renewed this commitment to follow God through out my life, and always figured that I was saved so that I could be in heaven when I die. But we should be bringing the Kingdom of Heaven to earth now. A walk with God won't be the best it can be until you've taken that step when you give up your own agenda and have Jesus Spirit living in you; that's when you really hit the ground running.

I always thought I could do it. I thought I could be like Jesus, and I'd forgotten who was really stopping me from lieing, steeling, cheating, hating, cursing, and doing anything that was poisonous to my body. I had been made new when I was a little girl but I greived the spirit and stopped feeling close to God, I stopped feeling victorious over sin. I stopped forgiving people because I forgot I was truly forgiven by Jesus and given new life.

With this message I want to encourage people to really look at their story and where you're at so far in your walk with God. Are you stumbling? Jesus doesn't want you to just be forgiven and repent; walking away with no help. He doesn't want to leave you stumbling. My eyes have been opened to see Truth and the Kingdom of Heaven to be joined again with Earth. Now I surly have the spirit of the Lord helping me to see and to understand, there is a difference between following God- loving him in your own strength, and then having Jesus pure heart and eternal love for the father inside you, all the dang time.

Things have switched into gear, and God's work in my life has been snowballing. He has made me a true disciple of Jesus' good news and what he was here to show us, all along, that "the kingdom of heaven is at hand," Matthew 3:2

I mean this all in love, and if your sin judges and condemns you give it up to Jesus. I hope you remember what Jesus did for YOU; where are you really at in your story of finding Jesus? You need to humble yourself before him at the cross. His new life is undeniable and you should bare good fruit; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.

If you feel distant from God, Jesus is the way to the father's precence through the holy spirit.

Much love xxo

The Identity Crisis of a Type 4

This post was begun 2 months ago and I am publishing now with a few very special edits.

My thing I've been focusing on this week is the enneagram and I've obviously made some discoveries about myself. That's what happens when you try to analyse yourself with a personality map like the enneagram.

One of the videos I made this year was titled 'Sorted.' It featured me sharing the different personality labels that I have, including myers briggs (INTJ), my Hogwarts house (Ravenclaw) and my enneagram. In the video I said I'm an 8. I need to confess that the core motivations of an 8 are not what I think is most important in life. I do often want to be in control but I would rather work on a solo project than be the leader of a group project; I'd rather work freelance than be the boss of other's.

So I'm not an 8. I did develop and use the traits of 8 when my siblings came into the picture and I felt like my idently was being threatened, so I became controlling. The thing my self actually would actually walk around thinking about most is my identity. I'm a four. A precious, emotional, flamboyant, individual. And I've often struggled with feeling different from everyone else.

Good God of all creation, just read my 'About page' and there it is plain and simple; "I'm always looking for solution. A way to understand myself, how to live the life I've been given, what I am feeling, how to master a new skill, a technique for understanding others better, a way around the difficulties that will inevitably pass, and how to communicate my passion and my story to the world".

These are the words of a true 4 wing 5.

The very first thing that was given to me, by other humans, is my name. This was the first thing the world gave me as part of my identity. The name Rebekah was a part of me and a thing that was all mine to use as my label for myself. Then I realised that when I was born, and in our small town area, a lot of people wanted to call their daughters Rebekah.

So having the name Rebekah was really hard for me growing up. Simply having the same name as me was a crime. The uniqueness of something is only saved by nothing else being like it. At least mine's spelled differently and I thank my father for changing it a couple of days after I was born. I have had too many Rebeccas in my classes at school and each time I meet someone with the same name I am guaranteed to have a small identity crisis.

Someone having the same name feels like a theft of who I am. And I hate when people think they should point out that they know another Rebekah when the meet me. As a 4, I've wanted to be the only one. So in high school I actually changed my name on the school role to 'Becky' because Rebecca Repmair kept being put in the same class as me and I needed her to go away. Seriously sharing the role with her for 3 years felt stink. It always felt like a personal attack.

And it forced me to do other things that would, not necessarily make me stand out, but would make me different from the rest of everyone I knew.

Where I grew up there were just too many other Rebbekahs, and Rebeccas. Too many for me as a 4. And I used to hope deep down that I will never meet another. I truly wanted to never meet another.

Yes, I know this is irrational and impossible. I have now realized it, so in future I may be able to deal with it better. But this kind of thinking would only come from a 4, and it should be a known fact that 4s hate meeting people with the same name.

I've realized that as a 4 with my core sin being envy and this sort of manifests by me trying to stop other people from being special by absorbing their creative talents for myself. It's hard to just let other's be the only one who can do something. That's why I've taken on minimalism, podcasts, youtube, blogging, writing, French, ASMR,

I feel too that when I really give my music to the world- which is the original thing I really started with other people will want to take that from me and that's why even though I'm always inspired by other people's music I don't want to write or somehow it won't make me special.

But let it be known that, not in my own strength, I can have forgiveness for all the other Rebekah's out there. Jesus living in me, sees these other people as beautiful unique creations and only loves them with his perfect love. Now my body is his to be alive on this side of the curtain, I can just let him take me along for the ride and love people like he does.

Our Wedding Reception Playlist

For some of us hiring a professional DJ is out of the question, too expensive. And the same goes for a live band. There is the perfectly fair option of having as the guys from DIY Reception call an "iPod wedding." So here I am with my limited experience.. no wait don't I have a bachelor's degree in music...writing my really helpful advice for your own iPod wedding.

The first problem is that even when you have no DJ, you still have to ask someone to be a makeshift DJ. You have to find a person to control the music even if they aren't an expert. The amount of control this person has...that's where you need to be totally transparent with them.

Why is this a problem; you may be asking? well then you're not the type of person who gets worried about these things. "Good for you," I say through tightly clenched teeth, you don't care if the person controlling the music puts slow and fast songs in the wrong order and God forbid, they change the song half-way through!!

Yes, I have been to a wedding where I was enjoying dancing to a song with my then boyfriend and this happened. The song was changed perhaps every 30 seconds because the brides cousin, or bridesmaid or who ever she was, could not contain her excitement for a different song. This was despite the fact that she was one person in a room with a hundred other people who really enjoyed how things were going music-wise. I wanted to slap her silly. She was behaving as if this was her own party and yet here name wasn't even listed in the bridal party so no, she wasn't really anyone special. This is not how anyone should play music at someone else's wedding reception. Have some self-control, woman!

So Tip no. 1 - Choose your makeshift DJ to be a really old person who doesn't understand technology and perhaps doesn't even know they could change the song.

And there's Tip no. 2 - Choose your makeshift DJ to be someone so old they are deff and can't hear the people who come up to them requesting songs.

I've just come up with a new rule - yes, I really like rules that make other people do nothing to upset me. Here it is:
Requesting songs is not acceptable until the bride and groom have left the building, because it's not your party.

Is that an okay rule? I think it's fair. And even when the bride and groom leave you to keep dancing for the rest of the night you have to consider everyone else that's left. Grandma doesn't want to listen to gangsta rap at her little grandson's wedding. And Aunt Suzy was having a gay-old time flailing her hands in the air before you switched the song for the eighth time.

And here we go with another perfectly acceptable rule to follow:
Requesting songs is not acceptable unless you paid for the wedding, because it's not your party.

They say first that it's the bride's big day, and then the most important person after that- you'd think it was the groom, but it is the mother of the bride. I don't really agree with this because my my mother already had her wedding so I don't know why she really gets to fuss, and fiancé cares about his wedding day too. However I'll accept that the family who help pay for the wedding are more important than the guests that came for the free boos and therefore should get to choose the music that they want to dance to once the bride and groom have left.

but here is the point I'm really trying to get to with this blog post;
Tip no. 3 - Have multiple playlist for different stages of the night.
I suggest, and what I am trying to put together, is sectioning the party into playlists to help the guests get into the right mood at the right time. These don't actually have to be in any particular order and you might want, and they may be dependent on how you arrange the party. Things to consider an order for are dinner, speeches, desert, cutting the cake, first dance, dance party, and any other entertainment you may include.

Here's how I see things going down at our reception...

We'll at start the night with smooth jazz as the guests drift in, start to mingle, find their tables, and await the arrival of the couple. Really this playlist is not necessary, it's just an extension of the dinner playlist, but houmor me.

These songs could be jazz covers of contemporary songs or the ones typically found in classic wedding films from my childhood starting with the opening number of the parent trap;


L.O.V.E - Michael Buble
Rude - PostModernJukebox
Lavender's Blue Dilly Dilly
Forever in Love - Kenny G

Then the song picked to walk in with needs to be cued in, the videographer gets into place as does the Master of Ceremonies (or MC) to announce "for the first time Mr and Mrs [insert name here],"and we move into the tame, no-one's-dancing-yet dinner playlist. It basically consists of all the slow songs in all the twilight soundtracks.


Northern Lights - Cider Sky
My Love - Sia
It Will Rain - Bruno Mars
High - Peaking Duk
Would You Be So Kind - Dodie
Bittersweet - Ellie Goulding
Castle On The Hill - Ed Sheeran
Haze - Tessa Violet
Fools - Troy Sivan
Dreaming - Smallpools
The Violet Hour - Sea Wolf
Counting Stars - OneRepublic
Sugar - Maroon 5
Dear Future Husband - Meghan Trainor
Ho Hey - The Lumineers
Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen

The shorter ballroom playlist is really just the few songs you choose for the first dance, daddy/daughter dance and other like that. Most modern weddings won't have many people that are into ballroom dancing as a pass-time so it's the shortest playlist. That reason and because finding songs that are in the right time signature is really difficult, I'm finding.

Don't forget you're dance songs can be instrumental versions. This especially works if you like a song for it's music but the lyrics don't really apply to two people having just made a life-time commitment to love one another.


Marry Me - Train
You And Me - Lifehouse
A Million Dreams - The Greatest Showman
Delicate - Taylor Swift (Perfect for a rumba)
A Thousand Years - Christina Perri
All About Us - He Is We ft. Owl City

This next playlist, like the mingling music, doesn't have to be seperate from the club bangers: the point is actually to save the hard-out dance songs till the final section of the party, so this one can have the more tame pop songs. Those classic dance party songs, like La Macarena and cha cha slide, should get mostly used up in this list while most people will still have the energy to join in.


Love Story - Taylor Swift
Love Me Like You Do - Ellie Goulding
Galway Girl - Ed Sheeran
Can't Stop That Feeling - Justin Timberlake
Centerfold - J. Geils Band
You're The One That I Want - Grease soundtrack
Footloose - Footloose soundtrack
If It's Love - Train
Party In The USA - Miley Cyrus
Mr. C - Nina Nebitt
Call Me Maybe - Carly Rea Jepsen
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper
I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) - The Proclaimers
Wagon Wheel - Darius Rucker (man, this guy must get a great lot of royalties)

Here's were you can get loose, get down, and get funky with some club bangers from this actual decade.

Make sure you've got a mix of mosh-pit numbers and ones that are better for slow dancing, or sitting down to catch your breath if you can't find a partner.

You can find more upbeat versions of your favourite songs if there's a remix of it somewhere.


A Little Party Never Killed Nobody - Fergie
Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO
Rude - PostModernJukebox
Cheep Thrills - Sia
Love to Hate It - Off Bloom
Youth - Troye Sivan
Dancing - Queen
Gangnam Style - PSY
SexyBack - Justin Timberlake
Green Light - Lorde
Strip That Down - Liam Payne
The Night We Met - Lord Huron
Sign Of The Times - Harry Styles
Slow Hands - Niall Horan
Why - Sabrina

A really important factor to keep in mind is on average 20 songs equals 1 hour of playing time. This is both a lot of songs and not a lot of songs so make sure there really are the ones you want to play, or if there is something better that makes it more your own wedding music.

Considering that fact I'm not even half done, but this should give you some ideas if you've actually come here for that.


$10'000 to be a Music Blogger

This is my journey of investing in, and building my skills and qualifications. No I don't have a simple answer to the question "What will you do with a Bachelors Degree in Music?" I am mostly making up my own path, but I am currently entertaining the ideas of assisting and co-writing with other songwriters from beginner and up, as well as transcribing original songs and adding arrangement for those who are weak in writing scores but want to take them to musicians who require sheet music. Also theory tutoring, and all of this over the internet.

What I've done in the past to get to this point and with these options now in front of me, has included making some sacrifices when it comes to where I get to put my money. In no way am I saying everyone needs to do it exactly like I have but I thought it might be interesting to account the following transactions.

Also note, this is all in NZ Prices and it's not everything that would add up to the ten thousand I've stuck in the title but it really it like that.

2003 - 2007:

Various streaks of Singing lessons - Because no kid really understands what they are doing with their body and how it affects the sounds coming out of their mouth. $40 per term... $500 ish. (Thanks Mum).


Ashton Acoustic Guitar - To learn to play and begin writing songs - $270


Guitar Lessons - because self-taught is unprofessional and i couldn't manage it quite yet - $40 per term: $160

Capo - because fashion and because begginner - $40


MacBook number of years old - handed down

Fan replacement opperation - becuse whirring sound and clicking sound started happening - $200

Web Domain - to launch own website - $10

Website hosting - to promote debute album and offer free download - $150 for 2 year period

Studio Time & Engeneering of Demos - Wanted to release an album - $200

Barcode - Wanted to sell album - $59


Signa Acoustic/Electric Guitar - Need to switch to a plugin when gigging- $500

Trumador Acoustic Amplyfyer - to have own PA when gigging in cafes et cetera - $400

Ashbe Microphone - for own full PA system - $100

Jack-Jack audio cable - for Gutiar to Amp - $16

XLR audio cable - Microphone to amp - $32

Microphone Stand - for own full setup - $175

Guitar Capo - other was missplaced - $40


Shure Beta 58 Microphone - Industry Standard; on the supplies list for ansemble - $299

Canon 600D EOS - High definition film for YouTube videos - $750

MacBookPro - Garage Band to record demos & iMovie to edit YouTube Videos - $1499

Apple Replacement Care - Laptop might stop working - $250

Web Domain - Anual renewal - $10



Filming lights - for more controlled filming environment - $400

Cannon; Vlogging Camera - nolonger living at home; can't borrow mum's, need something lighter than DSLR - $500

Web Domain - Anual renewal - $10



Blog Template - website contract ended; Finally understands how to use blogger to look good - $ premium price???

DNS - rather than host own website, redirect domain to blogger - $20

Sibelius 7 - free acsess to the program at school will end, plus it's great to have at home - $300 (student price)

Web Domain - Anual renewal - $10



DNS - Annual renewal - $20

21.5" iMac - Laptop broke - Price of MacBookPro became store credit +$350

Please ask me if there's anything you want me to give further details about. Use the comments box; I'm pretty sure you know how.

My Biggest Blogging Mistakes

Time to reflect; these are all things I've done and cannot say they are responsible for any success I've had.

I know I have titled some posts rather poetically in the past but you really need to think about SEO, you need those key words. If the title doesn't tell your readers what the post is about you are not going to get them to click to read it.

Google analytics is an amazing free tool you should be utalising, but the thing is, Google analytics will only start collecting your data from the time you set it up and nothing will be recorded from before then.

Setting up a third-party blog theme is straight forward but it can still take a fair amount of work, and often issues come up when something is uncustomisable. These little things can make you feel bad about the presentation of your brand and therefore not want to put other effort into your blog. For instance I recently switched 

I have finally realised that beauty is not what I want to talk about. Yes I wear makeup but I only do the same thing every time with a different selection of colours.

Before I was serious about my blog I was focusing on my YouTube channel, but just like my blog posts I actually need to ask myself first if a particular video should really be made, or if it is going to confuse my viewers and make it unclear what my brand is about.

Often what makes a good writer is not the organic flow of sentences that comes from their fingers, but rearranging those words and going through them with a fine-toothed comb. Unfortunately my 'voice' doesn't always make sense. Yes I can edit my posts later, even after publishing them, but when will that be? Updating and cleaning up posts needs to happen regularly.

I've been away for a long while and I don't think anyone was expecting great consistency anyway. Consistent is simply not a word that describes me. Not in when I post and not in what I post about. The only mistake I find in this is that I've tried to be someone I'm not and I've tried to be perfect in the way that other bloggers have found success.

I'm redefining success for myself and it turns out I see success and freedom and doing what makes me happy. I'm just finally accepting that I can't be Zoella, or any other big social media person and I don't want that kind of pressure. I'm actually a private soul and I over share on the things I'm comfortable sharing so people don't feel like they need to know any more and then ask about the things that I actually want to keep to myself. So let's drop the expectations from you, dear reader, to make any comments because I know you won't even if I finish with a question intended to provoke discussion. And let's drop the expectations that I'm going to post what anyone else want to read, I'm doing this for me the way I want to.


7 Things To Do For Free When You Have No Money

I'm currently in that boat of not being able to buy myself things or go on expensive outings. However I do have a few ideas that will guarantee that it may be a blessing in disguise. Here are so ideas of things that you can do for free. These tips will also help if you want to be saving your money. Sometimes we just need to see if we can get away with not spending anything.

I know we like to own our own copy of things, but that's really no excuse, cause this way it's free, and you don't have to find a place to store it when you're done.

HINT: If you are decluttering your home and find books you don't want to keep but you think you might want to read them again, donating them to your local library means you can borrow them back rather than the alternative of letting a thrift store sell them away forever.

I'm sure you have things you can repurpose and recycle and a DIY project doesn't always have mean you need to go buy wood glue or other materials that don't already have.

Get out of the house and practice taking photos. Whatever time of year it is it's a perfect opportunity be creative and capture the magic of the season. Whatever camera you've got, even if it's just your phone, there are jewels to be found.

Sometimes all that's necessary to satisfy the itch to go shopping is to click add to cart. It doesn't have to go any further than that. You can pretend you have all the money in the world and put everything in your basket when your online and no one will ever get hurt.

If filling your cart but not buying doesn't cut it then what about digital items? There are some amazing creative tools out there that are free. I have a resource library and so do many other content creators out there. I've got a list of other examples for anyone who is a blogger.

This means taking a look at the products you might have forgotten about (typically products in your makeup collection) and rotating them back into your everyday routine to use them up. 

This is one way to fill up an afternoon. You'll be creating something new and you have the chance to experiment with new filming or editing techniques. Here's how I like to do things; How I edit my videos.

Tell me something you like to do? I'm always open to new hobbies.

March Favourites [Video]

The year is going by so fast, I must document the memories before they all fly away just as quickly.

Here are my march favourites.

What phase have you recently discovered that you're in?

How I Identify as a HSP

First off, you're probably asking what's a HSP? That's Highly Sensitive Person. At least 1 in every 7 people are highly sensitive to the world around them and experience life with heightened responses compared to the rest of us. That can be a good thing, that can also make things more overwhelming.

Here's some of the things it affects in my life.

Colour Psychology
It works on me almost too well. Colour psychology is the science of colours having particular effects on mood. For instance, red raises the heart-rate a little making you either anxious or excited. Pink is calming while light green sustains that calm. Yellow and purple paints are successfully used in shops to decrease shoplifting. That very theory of purple not allowing ideas of taking anything on with you stopped me from doing well in a particular classroom that had purple walls. It's a colour that actually makes me uncomfortable and very fidgety.

I have always had a strong distaste for balloons. Loud noises hit through my whole body with a rush of new chemicals and it always changes how I was feeling before. I will start off in a party mood and then BANG, good mood gone and tension here to stay. It's not fair.

I prefer not to wear certain perfumes again after they've been associated with a location or situation. Nivea Night-time moisturiser reminds me of a dingy student hall I stayed in while I was in London, the day we went shopping. My Victoria's Secret body mist reminds me of the time I played my first concert and that was a stressful occasion. Every time I smell these things I'm am taken right back there.

Busy rooms
Two conversations at once is also overload for my mind to process and I'll immediately feel heavily sleepy. I have mentioned before that I'm an introvert, but I think perhaps being HSP is what makes me so introverted. It's typical that I will experience disassociation in shops to. Stores have so much in them, so many racks and shelves and the busyness of all that I disassociate from the space around me and feel like I'm dreaming.

This is a mental illness if it persists, disassociation. It's the third most commonly diagnosed mental health problem after depression and anxiety. In the same way that if you constantly feel anxious for no reason is a real problem called anxiety. So I'm not saying I have disassociation but I have moments of it when a room is too busy. And I don't think that would be the case if I wasn't HSP.

Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. It's euphoric tingling shivers from the back of the head and if strong enough down the entire body. Some people won't understand this sensation, they never feel it. Other's need a head massage from another person to trigger it, while there are thousands of YouTube videos with different sounds to help you feel it. I am very sensitive to ASMR. A lot more things trigger me and I can actually trigger it on demand by recalling other times I've felt it.

I can't ignore it. Maybe I've just got it bad but there have been times I've been curled up on the floor literally asking God to end my life, and this was because I had my period. If something in my body hurts it has my full-attention. Plus my flesh, if touched with just a moderate pressure, aces excruciatingly. It's typical of women to feel more sensitively than men, but being HSP intensifies it even more.

The night I first took an anti-depressant medication I thought I had the flu. I crawled from my room to the bathroom, and through-out my flat till my back was against the freezer. Then for the next couple weeks I had a bleeding nose a few minutes after I took it. Bloody noses are not even a known side-affect of that medication. And you'll know if you're a woman what antibiotics can do to your body; I have no chance of avoiding that dreaded skin condition.

I'm a light weight, there's no question. But I'm talking heavy drowsiness after just a couple mouthfuls. It's not a placebo. There are particular drinks, especially vodka, that I can't have at all or I'll feel sick immediately. I wish I could be back to normal after the first drink, when others don't usually feel so horrible till after drink number 3. If I take a single sip of wine on my wedding day, that 'perfect day' will actually be over.

If I drink coffee after noon I'll be up until 5am. It's as simple as that. I can't have caffeinated drinks without really weighing the pros and cons and ultimatly I have chronic anxiety anyway so I can't really risk it. Coffee will just make that worse.

Love languages, heard of those? There are five major revenues that different people feel cared for and loved; touch, gifts, words, quality time, acts of service. I always know my love-tank level and I know when my love-tank if filling; I'm hyper aware of when something is truly bring new life and appreciation into myself. And having a low love-tank has extreme affects on my behaviour and attitudes.

Where I live there is a culture we kept from our Scottish ansestors; stoicism. As a musician and performer it is quite hard to get any sort of reaction out of an audience. They'll clap after every song out of habit, but there's no screaming, cheering or moving. But as an audience member my own body refuses to remain still as I listen to music. My feet have to tap with the beat and I have to sing harmonies and I feel the tension in the music through my body like a drug. 

Horror films
I don't like to see people hurting. I feel music strongly. If you put these two things together I'm not going to have a good time. Thank God, I have a different relationship with fear than what I had a few years ago but I also know my limits when it comes to watching stuff that is meant to be scary.

More things that come along with my case of being highly sensitive;
- I startle easily
- Charity advertisements make me cry
- Just seeing a police car makes me incredibly unnerved
- Closer to a deadline I become only focused about the assignment
- I automatically take on the moods of people around me
- certain rooms are particularly uncomfortable to be in; even if it's related to the arrangment of the furniture, 

So in a vibrant, noisy and broken world it's hard feeling like you're the only one that feels everything. This is me on a journey to understanding myself and discovering I'm HSP is one of those things that are going to help I move forward. 

Why I'm Not Using Hormonal Birth Control

When I was recently trying out a new birth control pill, I immediately started showing symptoms that I could not deal with on a daily basis. Then I got to thinking about the long term effects  this drug could have and it was then, at 4 days into my pack, that I remembered the dreadful dark depression that I suffered the first time I was on the pill.

That season of depression was now 5 years ago, but it brought to light some on going mental health issues that I still have to live with today. That depression that was either brought on by my first few months on GINET, or my pre-existing poor mental health was catalysed by the drug; turning from chronic anxiety to very suicidal depression.

I only wish I knew that I had a history of anxiety. Instead I put the daily bats in my belly down as morning sickness, or butterflies due to a boy I liked. Back then I had no idea that mental health and mental illnesses were a thing, or that other people in my family were medicated for such problems.

I've been meaning to write a post about my depression for a while. Why? Because this is the place where I can share whatever I want, it's a lifestyle blog, and I find writing things down to be the best way to explain things. Maybe, this is to be that post.

The depression I had in 2013 drove me to fail my final year of high school. I felt totally alone, helpless if ever I didn't understand the assignments, and it made me very sensitive to criticism. So when a friend one day said,"You are so annoying," I spent the rest of the day with thoughts of a murder/suicide. That was the worst day of my life.

My doctor, of course, would have seen this as a problem. Any significant changes in your health and state of mind are things they want to know about. But when I went on ginet I was unaware of what could possibly be monitored. If I knew my situation was so critically unhealthy I would have asked for help much earlier.

The reason I was on 'ginet' was my chronic cystic acne. Yea, I know, gross. It was my mother who was actually more concerned about how bad it looked. I didn't care that when I stopped taking the pill the spots came back. I wasn't insecure about my skin, it had never stopped me from having friends at school. I stopped believing it would go away and I learned to ignore it completely. When my skin temporarily cleared up, I went off the pill. In my mind, I had no reason to keep taking it. Ultimately, it turns out my last year of high school was just the worst time to work on clearing it up. 

I now have, not full blown depression but a theory. My depression, though I was on the pill at the time, was also during the winter season. My depression might in fact be Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) and I am already bracing for winter.

The things I know for sure about my suggested S.A.D. are:
In the winter of 2013 I had depression.
In the winter of 2014 I spent a month in Europe in July, in the sun.
In the winter of 2015 My mental state took me to the park in the middle of the night to cry and hope that someone might attack me.
In the winter of 2016 I would legitimately lose my will to live whenever I had assignments to do.
In the winter of 2017 it was the same; a wonderful concoction of perfectionism, procrastination, anxiety, and a quarter-life crisis.

I know that this year I will get more time in the sun on my honeymoon. If July here means snow while California is the golden coast, I guess that's one of the best reasons to have a winter wedding. But 'honeymoon' also means I need to start thinking about birth control.

I made up a list of 16 reasons why I don't want to go back on the pill. I made this list because I thought I needed to convince my fiancé. It turns out I was making this list to convince myself, and the man I'm marrying is ultimately supportive of anything I need to do to stay healthy and sane.

This is some of my list, incase I need to justify it to anyone else out there; or if you're looking for support yourself.

11 Reasons Why I'm Not Using Hormonal Birth Control

#1 - My General Sensitivity to New Medications
When I first took escitalopram for my depression, I thought I had the flu, I wanted to vomit and crawled through the flat trying to find a cool wall to put my back against. Then the bleeding nose 10 minutes after taking it came in the next few weeks. That is my general sensitivity to new medications.

The same sensitivity came in to affect when I recently tried going  on the pill; migraines throughout the day followed by bawling my eyes out every single night over nothing. As if I were in my first trimester of a pregnancy. Well that's what the pill does, it is designed to trick your body into thinking it is already pregnant so it will not do so a second time. I cannot live like that, a hormonal mess every day of the year, of every year until I actually want to get pregnant. And still it will not be over.

#2 - My Unstable Mental Health
Going on the pill will very likely force a relapse in my depression. I do not want to go there ever again.

#3 - Conviction From God
I simply had a strong feeling that I knew was God telling me not to put synthetic hormones into my body so I won't get pregnant. He's not saying I have to have kids as soon as I'm married, but I also feel like if he wanted to give me a baby this is a slap in the face for him. It's just a bit too much taking it into my own hands, when I have said I want to trust him with every part of my life.

Taking the pill would get in the way of who I was designed to be and that's counterproductive while getting closer to the person God wants me to be is literally my purpose on this planet.

#4 - Potential Change In Psyche
Because the pill makes you think you're already pregnant there's something very interesting that happens to the prospects of men you'd consider as a partner. Usually you are unconsciously looking for a good mate who will provide strong, healthy offspring with more variety in the gene pool, but women that are pregnant prefer someone who will help in looking after the children.

Firstly I don't know what that could do to the feelings I have for my partner, and secondly what else might change? The truth is I don't know what else might change. I know who I am, or I've almost worked it out and I don't want to lose myself again to another drug.

#5 - The Daily Task of Oral Admission
When you're on the pill you need to take it every day and at the same time. I didn't get that right for only 4 days. I've been on medication for my mental health since that winter in 2015, coming up on 3 years. I know I mess up all the time.

The fact is if you miss a pill, you may have your period early. I can at least guarantee that if you stop after 4 days like I did, your period will definitely come early. So it's just a hassle.

#6 - The Disruption of my Normal Cycle
My normal period brings on bloating, failure to lose weight and a few spots and tears. Then my stomach will stop puffing up and my skin takes time to heal. Around ovulation my libido is raised and my temperature probably goes up (haven't tried tracking it yet). And then when I'm about to have my period again I will dream of kittens. True story.

These are the tell-tale signs of my cycle. The bad ones are so manageable compared to being overweight, having chronic acne, and major depression. All things I am very familia with on a larger scale so I welcome these minor symptoms with loving arms.

If I'm on the pill, this all goes out the window. No change; every day the same, just not able to get pregnant. And I like my normal cycle, synthetic hormone free.

#7 - Month Long Disruption vs 6 days of being Fertile
You know how I just said "every day the same, just not able to get pregnant,"? Well there are usually only 6 days out of your cycle where you can actually get pregnant anyway. I just feel like changing your body with synthetic hormones for everyday of the month just so you don't ovulate and become fertile for 6 days out of the month is over kill.

#8 - The Effectiveness of Fertility Awerness
Women cannot get pregnant on just any day of the month, and if you don't have STDs to worry about then you don't even need protection every day of the month. If you knew when those 6 days were, the days when you are able to make a baby, you could try fertility awareness as a method of contraception. If you're careful this can be up to 99.4% affective.

Luckily there are ways to know when you are fertile and when you're not.
- I've been using the app Clue for 3 years and they have an estimate of when I should be ovulating compared to the typical cycle.
- Your basal body temperature typically goes up a few tenths of a degree during this time and stays up until your next period.
- Cervical mucus also changes consistency and becomes thicker.
Ovulation tests can prove when you are ovulating as they detect an increase of luteinizing hormone in your pee.

#9 - Risk of Weight Gain
I have been working hard to lose weight for my wedding. Why would I allow this to be jeopardised?

#10 - Control Over the Entire Body just to Affect Fertility
I've already said I think it's over kill to take a pill everyday so you can't get pregnant in the 6 days you usually could. I also think it's insane to put synthetic hormones into my body and risk my mental health, my weight, my psyche, and every other part of my body just so I can eliminate my fertility.

My fertility is one small part of my body and the pill is not yet designed to target only that small part of my body. I think it's more worth it to work around my fertile days than to switch it off at the risk of affecting the rest of my body.

#11 - Shorter Cycles
My cycle is usually 5 weeks long. 30 days without a period. The typical birth control pill pack has 21 hormone pills in it and 7 sugar pills, this means my 30 days without a period is cut down to 21, and I would have more periods. Seriously, that's a sure candidate for the worst deal a woman in the first world could make.

I hope by sharing this others can learn from my experiences. Know that you are not alone. I'm certainly not saying anyone should be too scared to take the pill but I sure am. I know I'm going to run into other problems now that I haven't got hormonal contraception to back me up but that's another story for another time.