20 Arguments Against God's Existence | Logic Test

This is a response to the video published by The Atheist Voice. The aim of this article is to educate people in how to make a good sound argument and avoid illogical reasoning. What's important is everyone knowing how to discern nonfactual statements even if they look good. You don't have to be a theist or an atheist to understand that, logically speaking, the whole presentation is grabbing at straws.

1. There's no evidence for God.
In forensics, evidence is supposed to be things that the culprit left behind at the scene of the crime. What would evidence for God look like? The aftermath of someone having created the world would perhaps be... the world. A lot of people think that the order and design of nature is evidence enough.

2. God doesn't stop the evil in the world therefore he doesn't exist.
An equally valid argument is to say; God doesn't stop the evil in the world therefore he does exist. If a cop cannot hold back a shooter from using their free-will to kill innocent people dose that cop not exists? If your mother told you not to jump off a bridge, but you did anyway while your friends were doing it, does that mean you never had a mother? This is completely irrelevant but it's a very common argument people use because they are upset with the horrors of the world.

3. The global flood to destroy the inhabitants of the world is not a sign of love.
That depends on who was destroyed and who was saved. The bible says the human population was corrupted with the genetics of fallen angels and these hybrid creatures were 'cold-blooded' killers murdering everyone in sight. Only those remaining who were pure went onto the ark. The flood was salvation for the human race from a living hell; so this was very much a sign of love.

4. The opening lines of the bible are factually wrong "in the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth" therefore God doesn't exist.
This is an example of the fallacy known as begging the question. The conclusion that God does not exist therefore he cannot have created the world is already assumed when claiming that God couldn't create the world. There hasn't been any trail of reasoning from multiple premises to a conclusion so this is not a sound logical argument.

5. Prayer has never fixed anything that was not already naturally possible.
Even if a person is already able to heal through the slow natural process of mitosis, if they were to heal a large open wound in a day it would become unnatural, and by definition a miracle.
Then he assumes that no amputee has ever had their limb grow back as the result of prayer. This is because he has seen many people in his life with missing limbs. He is barking up the wrong tree when he approaches at all the amputees in the world and asks if they have ever prayed for healing. To determine the truthfulness of this original hypothesis you actually need to ask everyone with all their limbs if they used to be an amputee.

6. There are thousands of gods you don't believe in. What makes yours any different?
I actually believe most of the gods that other people follow are real. What makes mine different is that they are created beings and Yahweh is the creator. I see it to make better sense to worship the God who can create other gods that put any faith in the others because he's more powerful.

7. Where you are born essentially determine what you believe. Why should the truth be based on geography?
Again this is begging the question. Hemant has not asked everybody in the world what they believe and plotted their responses on a map. There are plenty of people who convert from one religion to another or believe differently from their parents after they leave home. If this argument were true then we probably wouldn't even have the word 'conversion' to describe this phenomenon.

8. Who created God?
Yahweh is unlimitedly powerful which allows him to be self-sustaining. God is unchanging, which eliminates the possibility of him once being non-existent and changing to be existent.

9. Some children are born with cancer therefore God does not exist.
Cancer is caused by radiation and mutation. These things are part of the world because it's not perfect. If the argument intended is supposed to encompass the idea that God created a perfect world, and the world we have now is not perfect it would be more reasonable to say "what happened that things went so wrong?" This is more reasonable than to point a finger at God and say it's his fault because he doesn't exist.

10. Unconditional love shouldn't come with a list of conditions.
God loves people unconditionally despite their flaws and mistakes. The conditions in the bible, the 10 commandments, are not a list of requirements to receive God's love; they are the instruction for how a human can love God, should they choose to.

11. Every single supposed miracle gets debunked eventually.
How about the one that experts have been working on for two thousand years; the resurrection of Jesus Christ? The theories that supposedly debunk it have also been debunked. The swoon theory is impossible if the man really had a roman crucifixion. And the hallucination theory has been said to be a greater miracle than one person coming back from the dead.

12. The 10 commandments left off "don't rape people" and "slavery [kidnapping and forced labour] is not okay."
Actually no.7, "you shall not commit adultery," does encompass the former and no.8, "Do not steal," encompasses the latter by extension of do not steal people.
Hemant may be going off of the fact that the Israelites had their own practise of slave ownership but this is not equal to the type we know today; it was voluntary, allowed the slave to have property rights and payment, in order to pay off debt to their master and get themselves out of unemployment and therefore save their lives. It was the welfare program of the ancient world.

13. The music and movies that honour God are just awful.
This is subjective. Also true, but irrelevant. Most christian movies do not have a big budget, and the casting directors seem to be too nice to say 'please go back to acting school.' But that is an ad hominem; The people who produce Christian music and Movies are terrible at their job therefore they cannot be right when they say that God is real. This is unreasonable.

14. The invisible and the nonexistent look very much a like.
The same could be said about oort clouds and star forming regions. No one has ever seen one in action; they are theories that were hypothesised by astronomers using their imagination. But if these invisible things are not really there our galaxy would be less than a million years old and that doesn't give enough time for the current theory of evolution to have happened.

15. No hide and seek game lasts thing long.
Hemart assumes a number of things here; God is hiding, Humans could find God if God was really hiding from them, This is not the game of hide and seek that sets the record for longest game of hide and seek. All of these claims are arbitrary and the opposite is equally reasonable to suppose; God has revealed himself to certain people ie. Abraham, Jacob, Moses, and anyone who met Jesus. Humans would never find God if the unlimitedly powerful God was hiding from them. And otherwise this is the game that sets the record for longest game of hide and seek.

16. Science explains so much of what we used to attribute to a god.
Science is the observation and testing of the natural world. Scientists expect that the laws of nature like physics and biology remain constant allowing them to make predictions with some controlled variables. It should never be assumed that science can help to answer any questions about the spiritual or unnatural because miracles happen outside of those natural parameters that can be measured and tested.

17. The more we learn the less reason we have to believe in God.
The truth in this statement is a little more nuance than Hemant realises; he actually means "The more I learned about the natural world through science, the more I felt comfortable believing that God is not in it." Physicist Stephan Hawking concluded that there was a reality before the big bang in which time, space, matter and energy did not exist, and what caused these things to be 'invented' was something that is not limited to these things. Observing this dimension will never show us anything that is space-less, timeless, immaterial, and runs on a power-source other than energy, but these descriptions fit perfectly for the being we know as God.

18. If you tried to explain your religions mythology to someone who had never heard it before you would sound crazy.
This is based on the presupposition that the theology is wrong and that the person specifically believes there is no real supernatural reality that could be correctly explained.
What would happen if you were right, and the person had already experienced some supernatural encounters that they wanted an explanation for?  They would judge it to see it if makes sense to them and you would either be right or wrong, but not 'crazy'.

19. If God does not exist the world would look exactly the same way it does now.
This is begging the question again. Hemant expects that God does not exist and did not create the universe therefore whatever natural thing 'actually' created the universe would still have lead reality to be the way it is now. But the opposite claim is equally as valid; If God, the creator of the world, does not exist then the world would not exist at all. This is how much faith Hemant has in atheism; that he would risk the existence of the whole world on the claim that God isn't responsible for making the universe.

20. If God existed he would smite me right now.
On what basis, that you asked him to? In arguments 3 & 10 Hemant has already shown that he understands God is meant to be loving. If God really loves everyone like a parent loves their children, and if he has plans for our lives, would they end their life if the child asked them to? Or if they had been deviant? I good parents won't kill their children if the child screams in their face that they hate them or do not believe in them. This argument is an absolute bluff, and I call bulls**t.

Now watch the original video and see what it looks like when someone is confidently using logical fallacies. It doesn't look any different from someone who's actually being reasonable. So watch out for that when you're in conversation with people. People make arguments for things all day long and you need to be able to realise when they are using bad logic.

How To: Choose Songs for Corporate Worship

As a music leader of any group of people in a Christian setting there are some important questions to ask before we can determine if a song is really a good fit and they have nothing to do with how great it sounds or how popular it is.

Music leaders or worship team leaders are typically the people who will choose the songs that are performed and lead for the entire congregation. Their work here, simply in this preparation stage in the week leading up to Sunday, is incredibly impactful and yet so often overlooked.

Typically what is expected to happen during the music and singing part of a church service is those of us who already have a restored relationship to God will be connecting with him, resetting our perspective of letting God be more deserving and capable to be the authority over our lives, offering up our thanks and praise to him, feeling the heaviness of his presence, and/or experiencing healing in our soul and spirit. The worship leader actually has a lot of responsibility using music to encourage an environment where this can all happen without disruption or boredom.

But what many Churches don't seem to cater for, coming into the 2020s, is that not everyone who enters through those doors on a Sunday morning are born-again believers. According to the typical church survey we're maybe safe if we say 40-60% of the service attendee's don't actually completely subscribe to our Jesus following cult.

Why? Well, why did they come to Church in the first place?
To be loved by charitable people even if that actually just looks like they're there for the free food? To find friends, considering it's the weekend and there are hopefully some nice people gathered in one place who they can have a chat with? To have their personal needs met because the church should have a reputation for assisting those who are in need; widows, orphans, and foreigners?

What if the answer is: they already know these things about Christian people as they've encountered us in their school, their workplace, at their gym or in the church and realising there's really something different about us, they want to know what it is?

What if people are actually coming to Church to learn about God and understand how they can get right with him?

The answer overwhelmingly is yes, and the unfortunate side of this is that so many churches are so busy making noise with their big light shows, and giving motivational talks, that it doesn't actually seem like they're sharing the gospel. The very thing that we believe will save people from an eternity of making up for their own mistakes in this life. The hope that Jesus, God in human flesh lived a sinless life and then died taking the punishment for the world and resurrected, showing us that if we put our trust in him then we will do the same and through his spirit we can be made a new creation, set free from darkness and the fear of death.

Yes, there is huge importance in the roles of greeting people at the door, helping people find a seat, putting the kettle on, looking after the children, running the visual presentation, singing a nice harmony, and keeping time for everyone from behind the drum kit, but these things don't really hold water unless the message and the music is going to change peoples lives.

So, for this reason, we need to be mindful of our song choices, the songs may be the very thing that teaches a person what they need to understand in their head so that they can give their heart to the Lord. The time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth. The Father is looking for those who will worship him that way. For God is Spirit, so those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth (John 4:23-24). To worship in truth means to understand in one's head who God is and what he has done for us, then from this, we can encounter him in a spiritual way that is appropriate, for God wants to be understood (in this way the 4s can relate).

I recently thought of a new series to write in which I'll analyse the message in the lyrics of worship songs. But I thought I'd share the questions I'll be thinking about as I look at each song.

These questions are important for anyone to ask whether you're choosing songs for your church or to listen to in your own worship time and it's for a biblical reason. We were told: do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God; and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God; this is the spirit of the antichrist, of which you have heard that it is coming, and now it is already in the world (1 John 4).

I believe this includes testing the songs and their lyrics from every church and songwriter so we can hold up to what Paul wrote in Ephesians 4:14 Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth.

This may very well sound foolish and insulting if you don't believe that there is an enemy who wants to destroy peoples healthy relationship to God and make them believe lies about him, about theirselves, and about everything in between. The truth is the one who is against Yahweh loves to get into the church and attack wherever it is we are weak. He has the whole world twisted to believing in false spirituality and we can't fight against it if the leaders of the church don't know that war is raging, and has been ever since Genesis 11.

Leaders of the worship team across the world are supposed to be assisting to create an environment in the realm of truth, so that people can worship in spirit. So we need to discern if the songs we perform promote anything that is not truth.

Some things that need considering:
1. What is the actual message of the song; what is the moral or morals one is meant to take from it?
2.a. Does it specify who is being worshiped with names like Yahweh, The Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit or God?
2.b. Is the use of "god" ambiguous enough that this song could be sung at a Satanist, New Age, or Freemasons church to praise the god of this world?
3.a. Is it biblical; are there obvious lines of scripture; are there nods to scripture?
3.b. Is the meaning of the scripture kept in its original context; does listening to the song and then reading the passage have a different meaning?
4.a. It is theologically sound?
4.b. Does it make the trinity confusing for someone who doesn't understand the '1 God, 3 persons' element of the Christian faith?
4.c. Does it suggest that man can be equal to God?
5.a. Is it clear on morality; that one must be forgiven for sin?
5.b Does is promote tolerance of sin in the life of someone who would want to be in right relationship with God?
6. Is the metaphor clear OR could someone get the wrong idea about God if they took it literally?
7. If this song was the only explanation of the Christian faith could someone come to salvation through Christ?
8. Does it have any red flags; does it say anything against how one is saved through faith and not by works?
9. Does it truly edify and build up the faith of believers in Jesus?
10. Listen to Holy Spirit; what is he telling you about this song?

I'm not suggesting that these questions are absolute rules to go by, and usually for a worship leader you'll be selecting multiple songs to go together. I just want you to be considerate about the picture that is being painted by the songs you choose.

You have to remember that not everyone reads the bible and the songs people sing in church are sometimes the only way they are exposed to it. This also means that if there is something in a song that is against what the bible would say then they will never know the difference. That is why music team leaders need to filter and discern if a song is really okay for a whole group of people to use together to worship God. We can't always just go with the ones that are our favourite.

Thanks for reading and hopefully this has helped.


xxo Beka

How To: Start Interpreting Your Dreams

Over the last few months I have been studying Dream Interpretation through a number of resources. I have completed a course lead by John Paul Jackson through Streams Ministries; Understanding Dreams and Visions. I've learned so much and grown in my faith. As I am now in the intermediate stage of experience in dreams and visions I've created a public form for people to send in their dreams to be interpreted. I mean to email back my response as soon as possible, and free of charge.

If that sounds like something you'd like to try you can send me your dreams here.

I thought in this post I'd explain some of the questions on the form that are there to help me understand the dream.

Suggest a Title
The idea behind suggesting a title for a dream is that it will highlight the parts of the dream that you think are most important.

Numbers are symbolic in dreams. The date you had the dream may be part of the whole story.

Is it reoccurring?
Having a dream multiple times means that you still haven't worked out what it means. The message that the dream holds hasn't been understood properly in order to help you with your destiny.

Colour Scheme
Knowing the colours or lack of colour in a dream can help to identify the source of a dream; is it from light or from darkness.

Where were you in relation to the action?
Whether the dream is happening directly to you or if you are observing the events happen to somebody else can help to identify who the dream is really about. Sometimes you might have a dream about doing something with others and those people may be mixed in with the message on the dream.

Lucid Dreaming
Being able to understand that you're dreaming and being able to manipulate the scene may directly link to one's development in the things of a spiritual nature.

What feelings were evoked?
The way you feel in a dream is actually part of the whole experience. If you feel good then I can use that to understand that the dream is also good. If you feel bad in the dream, it may identify a dark presence is involved. It should also help to identify what type of dream this was.

Who is in the Dream?
Listing off the cast members of a dream can be very helpful for understanding the interpretation because there are different things that may identify what a person is really there to represent. It could be that the dream is really about them or depending on their name or relationship to you they could be leading you to a particular destiny.

More on this in an up coming post, How to: Interpret People in your Dreams.

2 Cautionary Arguments against The Passion & Message Bible

2 Peter 1:20-21 English Standard Version
Knowing this first of all, that no prophecy of Scripture comes from someone's own interpretation. For no prophecy was ever produced by the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit.


Do not expect the information in the following article to be particularly subjective or unnecessarily negative. It is meant to be informative and helpful for those who are interested in thinking through this subject for themselves. This article is only intended to encourage looking into this for yourself.


My bible is the 1984 New International Version (NIV) by the International Bible Society and was published by Zondervan. It was worked on by over 100 translators, from all over the world and from a number of church denominations. It is a balance between word-for-word and phrase-for-phrase, meaning that unless a literal translation would awkward be too to understand the English version of the bible that I have is really telling me what the scriptures are supposed to say.

They were going from a number of manuscripts, mainly the Masoretic Hebrew Text but also the Greek Septuagint, Latin Vulgate, Samaritan Pentateuch, Syaric and the Dead-sea scrolls to name a few. Every page is dotted with footnotes and I highly appreciate it because the translators were intellectually honest to point out when these manuscripts say something different in a particular wording or numbering. 

I enjoy using this particular translation for my own bible study, but its not the only thing I rely on. I often use a concordance to see what other words the translator team might have been able to use for my English print of the scriptures.

Careful discernment and critical research shows that the Passion and Message "Bible" do not have similar origins to the NIV, nor the ESV, NASB, KJV, or NKJV. They are marketed as a paraphrase, they are not direct translations of scripture but interpretations. The concern with this is that it really seems to be a single person who wants to help people to understand the bible they way that they understand it. Brian Simmons and Eugene H. Peterson did this by writing it like they would say it in modern english.

One person can't be as experienced and qualified as a whole team of translators, such as the people who have produced other bibles. A case could be made that myself or even you could print our own interpretation bible in the same way, by reading any of the aforementioned English bibles and then rewording it to explain what we think the verses are meaning. But individual people can only come up with an interpretation that fits into our existing understanding of the spiritual realities of the world, the cultural, religious and social context of the author, and my understanding of how salvation through Jesus really works. 

These men are not linguists. Not translators. There is real reason to believe they have never studied ancient Hebrew, Aramaic or first century Greek, as they would like you to think. They don't actually need to in order to produce the books they have, however, they are not honest about this and they would rather you think that they have printed a real bible so that you don't consider it to be anything less than a commentary. But really that is all it is.

We all need to be aware of this textual dishonesty because things could have been changed beyond helping us understand the divine revelation that the biblical authors were trying to describe in their songs, books and letters. See that's what is most important when we study the bible; we need to be asking "What did Paul mean in his letter to the churches?" or "What did David mean with that line of poetry?" or "Why did Luke use that particular Greek word while he was reporting on what Jesus preached in Aramaic?" There isn't much room for these enquiries when the page already says what Brian Simmons thinks it means or what Eugene Peterson believes it should say. They have already done the supposed study for you and their interpretation could be very very wrong. Which is dangerous if you accept it to be correct.

1 John 4:1-3 - NIV
Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. By this you will know the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world.

Here's what my version would say about these verses if I printed a book in the same way that I believe Simmons and Peterson did:

1 John 4:1 & 3 - Beka's Bible Interpretation Commentary Book
[Everyone in all the churches], do not [ignorantly accept] every [teaching and spiritual idea to be true]. Do not [allow yourself to be persuaded by] every [preacher, guest speaker, church denomination, online personality, Christian organisation, song, sermon, Christian television show, motivational Facebook post, and author], but test [examine, and give the burden of biblical proof] to see whether they are from God because [we have] many [enemies who hate Christ], which you have [dealt with for nearly 2000 years] and [who have slipped in among the believers to lead you away from the truth].

This might be what John would say today because he too was a translator of what the Holy Spirit revealed to him while he was composing this letter. However it is revelation that was given first to John and we should just feel privileged to have a copy of what he wrote, and we should respect the way that he articulated his ideas. The same goes for all the biblical authors, scribes, and editors. I don't mean that we can expect to understand the whole world that these texts were formed out of without extra biblical historical sources, but when someone prints a version of the bible that adds so many more words that do not come out of the original Hebrew, Aramaic or Greek, they should be intellectually honest and call it what it really is; an uninspired interpretive commentary.

Unfortunately the problem is even worse than explained so far. 
The Problem with Brian Simmons being the only one who actually wrote the Passion Bible, he was able to make it say whatever he wanted it to for when he is preaching. And likewise the problem with Eugene H. Peterson being the only one wrote the Message Bible, he was able to push his own false philosophies within the church. The Passion and the Message bible interpretations are not only bad scholarship but they are also promoting false theology. 

Simmons believes:

∙There are 7 spirits of God, including the spirit of wisdom.
He believes that after already being a Christian with the Holy Spirit he was baptised in the sprit of wisdom too. This is incredibly unsupported by scripture; God only offers the Holy Spirit and that should be enough. The only other option, if Simmons has been entered into by a new spirit then it is a lying spirit.

∙He speaks of being blessed with dreams and visions from God.
People in the New Age movement see visions and have spiritual experience that look like all sorts of fantastic things. The fact that these experiences are real does not make them true because demons and fallen angels can fake a vision, frequently alien abduction sequences, or intimate love-making sessions.

∙Humans are the same as Jesus.
While Jesus is the Son of God, he had both a human nature and a divine nature. He was both truly human and truly God. But we are not like this; ordinary people, even Christians, do not have a divine nature. It should be understood that there is a difference between a Human and Jesus. But Simmons breaks the logical law of identity when he claims that "anything that can be said of Jesus can be said of me" - You would think that's easy to disprove by just asking "Brian, did you die on the cross?" He would say "yes" because of the way he misunderstands Romans 6:6 - For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin.

∙We need to activate our gift.
As someone who has grown up in a Baptist church (We believe in the trinity of Father, Son, Holy Spirit, we baptise people in water when they ask for it, most of the songs talk about Jesus giving his life on the cross to set us free from our sin and praise God that he is greater than us, and the fabulous speakers on the preaching team actually cover bible stories and use scripture rather than giving anecdotal stories of their own life with some nonsense motivation inspiring message) this talk of 'activating your gift' sound like someone is selling something. No, I don't know what methods are expected to be used to do this. That must be why Brian Peterson hosts conferences for people to learn about it and help them with whatever it is. As long as they pay. It is the Holy Spirit who gives out the gifts of the spirit.

∙ He can publish scripture under the name of John the Apostle
Brian believes that Jesus revealed to him in a vision John chapter 22, a lost piece of John's gospel. When this is printed there will be absolutely no manuscript evidence for the chapter's exsistance. But as totally fabricated as this book will really be he still thinks it's okay to sell it to people as the authoritative word of God. Now it starts to get funny because the guy is absolutely nuts. If he thinks that he can add this to the bible then what does that say about his translation and interpretation method? It totally discredits his previous work as the writings of a mad man and a fool.

We can't really know for sure what's going on in Brian's head- It seems like he genuinely believes what he is preaching and doesn't even know that he is really a false profit. He's probably not intentionally getting people to open spiritual bridges for demonic oppression but he is defiantly leading people away from the truth. Either-way, the Jesus that he believes in and prays to isn't the same as the real Jesus. What he has done is create an image in his mind to worship that is not really YHWH, the living God of Heaven. Yes, I'm saying Brian Simmons is an idolator. You cannot be wise and believe his bible is trustworthy.

Eugene H. Peterson is just the same with a different fake Jesus. But his bible further pushes the ideas of New Age spirituality. In the words of Steven Bancarz and Josh Peck (former New Agers, now phenomenal Biblical Christian teachers):

"The New Age movement is a spiritual system of thought and practice composed of beliefs, values, and traditions from various schools and religions throughout the world. 'New Age movement' is really an umbrella term covering a wide range of topics, including: Buddhism, Hinduism, Mysticism, Transcendentalism, Gnosticism, Paganism, Pantheism, Occultism, Esotericism, Witchcraft, Meditation, Yoga, Psychedelics, Channelling, Divination, Sorcery, Mind science, Reincarnation, Astral projection, Ufology, Spiritual psychology...The 'New Age' is a collection of beliefs and practices aimed at bringing enlightenment. The goal, at an individual level, is to 'raise the consciousness' to a 'higher density' or a 'higher vibration,' meaning that knowledge of self, combined with divination and occult practices, can elevate our spiritual condition to a level of self-divinity. This movement teaches that we don’t become divine, but that we already are divine in and of ourselves, such that the enlightenment the New Age movement seeks to bring about is arrived at by leaving a state of self-ignorance and realising that the inner self is ultimately God (Bancarz & Peck, 2018, The Second Coming of the New Age).

You can already take verses from a well translated bible out of context to promote these ideas:
Genesis 1:27 - So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
Genesis 3:4-5 - “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
Colossians 1:19-20 - For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven...
If you mistook the intention of the biblical author, this could very easily paint the picture that humans are a part of God and they need to find unity and reconnect with the universe to find peace. But the Passion and the Message actually encourage thinking like this.

The major issue with New Age practices is that while people are trying to do what they can to reconnect with the universe they often end up connecting with the very real spiritual realm that is full of entities who aren't always nice. I mean demons and fallen angels that parade as spirit guides, and this has lead millions of people into spiritual oppression.

Even myself, last year went through a time of having physical manifestations in my body that I really had a hard time trying to control. I don't exactly know what invited it, but I'm defiantly never doing Yoga again. Being ignorant that what you're are doing is idolatry and worship of pagan gods, and being a Christian does not protect you. As a child I was told, "you have the Holy Spirit so you cannot be possessed by anything else." This isn't exactly true, and the bible says to avoid idolatry and destroy items that are associated with the occult. God is very clear about this and we should heed his warnings for our own safety.

This is where the Message is even more different from the real scriptures than the Passion is; Eugene H. Peterson hasn't just added false New Age ideas into the bible, he has totally written a New Age bible that is really targeted towards people who want a combination between Christianity and New Age spirituality, and a life without moral accountability.

The late Mr. Peterson believed:

∙Jesus is Master, not Lord
In the New Age movement people who want to gain spiritual awakening do not have an authoritative text to really lead them on their path. There are many spiritual leaders who host hippy meditation retreats and share with others their spiritual wisdom and experience in the practice. These spiritual leaders or gurus are often called masters. Jesus is depicted in the New Age movement as being a human who got this right and when he ascended to heaven after his resurrection he actually ascended to the final level of enlightenment and unity with the creator, like we all can if we meditate enough.

The rest of the differences in the Message bible ultimately emulate from this idea.

I now offer a catalogue of resources that will continue to help you see how these books have a dishonest agenda in the changes they have made to scriptures.

If you own one of these bibles then let me tell you that no biblical Christian needs to have one of them and you have just been mislead like millions of others who have purchased a copy. I encourage you to pray and ask the Lord for discernment. If you feel conviction by the Holy Spirit to get rid of your book then just be obedient. I rejoice with you in your desire to only see the truth; you're just not going to find it in The Passion or The Message.

Exposing the Passion

Seriously this "instant download" language is not how divine inspiration works; this sounds like the origins of the Quran if you know the story of Muhammad being visited by a spirit in a cave. He was told that Jesus wasn't the son of god, and that in fact he didn't even die on the cross even though this is a proven fact in secular history. And then what did Muhammad do with this information? He became a terrorist, and ordered the death of all Christians.

I know these presentations are quite long but they are thorough will help you know what to do if you own a copy of the Passion; I'm seriously suggesting that you get rid of it.

This is a presentation of the additional vocabulary in the Passion that supports Simmons' theology, as well as some more verse comparisons and important comments from the authors former co-workers.

Burning Scripture with Passion: A Review of The Psalms (The Passion Translation) by Andrew G. Shead

Do you want Spiritual Growth and Breakthrough?

In the last Month I've be blessed with the opportunity to spend a lot of time with God as I've been alone at home, while I'm trying to hear back from places that want to give me a job. I've been using this time to get the most of it that I can through spiritual growth and by pressing into God and seeking his truth.

The result is that I've been hearing God's voice, experiencing more visions, dreams, manifestations, and otherwise picking up on a lot going on around me in the spiritual realm. I want to share the resources I've been gobbling up and building my faith and understanding of the Lord with.


My attention was brought onto the spiritual and the plans of the enemy when I picked up a book, back in July, called The Freedom Diaries by Mark Hollaway. He's a New Zealander and came to my church at least a year ago, that's when my dad got a copy of the book. Mark teaches other people to hear from God through writing and typing out your conversations with him. I think this is an extremely effective way to force yourself to be humble and expect him to do some talking for a change. If we have the Holy Spirit living in us then we should never ever think that God is far away, instead we have a direct and open connection to the Father. So practicing this way of talking to him and hearing from him was a catalyst to hearing him more even when I'm not expecting an answer to a specific question.

Another important thing that came up while I was exploring The Freedom Diaries is the fact that the enemy's lies are always just out of reach because he's been filling the world with them for years and the world doesn't even see it. I started noticing those thoughts and seeing that Satan only ever lies. I realised I've believed and partnered with a lot of them and I wanted to get things sorted out; what is really the truth? Answer: God's word.


My journey continued with the show on Netflix called A.D Kingdom & Empire. It's also known as The Bible Continues. The 12 episodes follow what the apostles got up to and the struggles they faced as they began the New Testament church in Jerusalem and spreading. This performance of the biblical narrative from the book of Acts is really incredible to watch as it embellishes just a few things for theatrical licence. I have fallen in love with the Apostle Peter's passion and faith in Jesus as he went around preaching the gospel after Jesus ascended and sent the holy spirit. You can really see why they would have had so much opposition and issues amongst themselves as they were persecuted, particularly by Saul who also became a character I appreciate so much more now for his letters to the churches.

It's incredible now the revelation I've had, just referring to the fact that I am privileged to have copies of those very same apostolic letters to read and learn from for myself. Letters that were from the very same character's of Paul and Peter that I have come to want to be best friends with after seeing them portrayed so passionately in this piece of television. It's a truly moving and very eye opening cinematic display of the truth of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit in the first century.


I have always believed in God and never had to go through that mental barrier before I could actually experience him working in my life. Other people in the world need more convincing so it's a good thing we have the proof if anyone wants it. I recommend the YouTube channel InspiringPhilosophy. They have highly logical explanations of history that really point to the existence of God, the life and Resurrection of Jesus, and my personal favourite discovery is the proof in the old testament that Jesus was around and working as God before he was conceived as a human (Hint: he was known as the Angel of the Lord).


Next I have to lead into The Last Reformation a Ministry, Youtube Channel, and Movie surrounding a man named Torben Søndergaard, and his work to bring the churches we are in today, back to how things operated in that first movement of the church. As Christ's disciples we are commissioned to go out and preach the gospel, heal the sick, baptise with water, cast out demons and save the lost.

It's really strange how when we read the bible we will believe that the cases of Jesus casting out demons from people was real but then we think that since it's been 2000 years that maybe all the demons have died. That's not true at all, there are still hundreds of thousands of demons in this world making people sick, blind, angry, crazy, mentally ill, gender confused, sexually confused, and filling our heads with all sorts of other lies. It's very typical for people to have demons in them. It's very typical for a bad mod to be brought on by stepping into a demon. It's very typical for your negative thoughts to have been whispered into your mind by the enemy. There's no need, to be scared, we have authority over them through the spirit of God that lives in us, and we can capture those thoughts in their tracks and say no to them, but people- don't forget the enemy is real and he has plans to lie to you, confuse you and just destroy you.

There's a whole lot more inspiring stuff from that channel so go check out some of their videos.


I was next lead to find Jonathon Welton who is a seer. Someone who operates in the spiritual gift; discerning of spirits on a particularly anointed level. I have known one other seer, a family friend, who has had some trouble dealing with this gift being one that doesn't typically turn off if you have it. Seers are able to literally see those demons, angels, and the spiritual damage people have in them. They see the spiritual world through the eyes of their own spirit (we all have a spirit, along with our physical body) and this is mixed in with what is seen in the physical world.

Check out some interviews of seers and then Johnathan's 5 part lecture on how to understand the spirit realm with the most truthful and accurate description of how we and other entities occupy the same world.


This encouragement lead me to want to have a better understanding of the other gifts of the spirit (Paul lists them in 1 corinthians 12) and I found a video series that I believe to finally give me the clarity I was missing my whole life as a believer who got visions when I will pray for people.

The course is found on the YouTube Channel by Neal Reyes, where he breaks down every gift and its functions. But I'll also tell you what I now understand them to be because He doesn't really give it in such a simple to understand way.

Maybe you can look at this and finally work out what gifts you have been operating in- I always had it confused before this week.

The 9 Gifts Of the Spirit

Revelation Gifts - Eyes of God
Wisdom - A message concerning the future usually given through a symbolic vision that you will need to interpret; and then pray intersession over it if it was a warning.
Knowledge - A message concerning the past or current situation usually given through a symbolic vision that you will need to interpret.
Discerning of Spirits - Using your spiritual eyes to see the spiritual world around us (constantly or through visions), to understand what spirit motivates a person's words and behaviours. To see angels is to operate in this gift.

Power Gifts - Hand of God
Faith - A 'surge' of supernaturally unlimited faith with which one can take authority over the weather and command other 'big' miracles e.g. the reproduction of food for a large group of people.
Healings - Power and authority to command healing over each of the 39 groups of medical practice. (You may have seen people healed from smaller things originally and then it grows to more serious things).
Miracles - Being lead, sometimes in strange ways, to orchestrate miracles, eg resurrections, healings, changes in substances, production of gold, and potentially teleportations go in this group too.

Inspiration or Utterance - Mouth of God
Prophecy - To be lead to speak a message of edification, exhortation or comfort, in your own language, to the church or fellow believer. And when you pray you may be lead to pray on unexpected topics.
Spirit Tongues - To supernaturally speak in languages of men (old forgotten languages, maybe?) and to speak in the language of Angels. This is a prayer language that when the holy spirit is speaking through you, you will pray for things you don't know need praying about, and which intercedes for the future, as it also builds the presence of God. You may sometimes be lead to speak a specific message in tongues that is to be interpreted for a non-believer to hear.
Interpretation of Tongues - To be lead to speak an interpretation of a message that was spoken in tongues for a non-believer to hear and understand God message to them.

It turns out that any person who has the Holy Spirit living in them can begin to operate in all of these gifts as they grow in their walk with God, so if you want them you can pray for them. But know that they are to be used for the edification (building up) of the church; They are all meant to be encouraging, not something to be prideful about. Torben Søndergaard believes that all of us should be able to pray to command healing; especially considering that as disciples we are called to heal the sick. We need to stop believing the lie that we will not ever be able to use these gifts, and see angels or pray for someone and see them be healed, or speak in tongues. Be faithful with what you have been given and you will grow.


As I realised that I very often see visions when I pray for people (although for the last couple of years I actually suppressed doing it- don't know why), I don't always know what the symbols I see mean. I have my own feeling of what it means but I've realised that as I've been operating in the revelation gift of knowledge there really should be a more specific message from God for the person. I'm no longer happy just telling them what I think it means.

And God knows I have a keen passion for finding out information from teaching resources and I found something that as I practice, and continue to be lead by God, I have been finding more accurate interpretations for the visions I get.

So what resources do I recommend?
- First continue to be lead by the spirit for God's own interpretation.
- Second, be familiar with the word of God - the Bible is full of symbols being used to sent a message; Dreams, the book of Proverbs, Jesus' parables, and the whole book of Revelation. Many of the pictures you will have visions of will link to a use of that thing in the bible.
- Thirdly I recommend the teachings of John Paul Jackson. He hosted the show Dreamipedia and has given the case for all dreams being spiritual rather than conducted by your soul (your emotions, will, and intellect). 

So I've also been studying how to interpret dreams. I recommend watching A Case for the Biblical View of Dreams and this particular dictionary website looks very promising: Unlocking Your Dreams by Autumn Mann.

I'll use her quote to explain; "This free online Dream Dictionary is an organised listing of symbols sometimes found in spiritual dreams and their most common meanings. This should in no way be a substitute for listening to what the Holy Spirit has to say about your particular dream, but rather it is meant to be a tool to aide you in dream interpretation.

"The dream symbols & their definitions found in this dictionary stem from Autumn Mann’s own study & experience, as well as the following men & women , who have impacted this ministry profoundly. Recognition given to: “Dictionary of Dream Symbols” by Dr. Joe Ibojie, “Understanding Dreams & Visions Course 201” By John Paul Jackson, “Dream Language” by James W. & Michal Ann Goll, “Seers Handbook” by Sharnael Wolverton, & “Understanding the Dreams you Dream” by Ira Milligan."

I hope you find something in here inspiring. I think it's all very incredible stuff and I want you to be encourage to grow in your spirit so you can go on to make a bigger impact in your calling.

xxo Beka

The Identity Crisis of a Type 4

This post was begun 2 months ago and I am publishing now with a few very special edits.

My thing I've been focusing on this week is the enneagram and I've obviously made some discoveries about myself. That's what happens when you try to analyse yourself with a personality map like the enneagram.

One of the videos I made this year was titled 'Sorted.' It featured me sharing the different personality labels that I have, including myers briggs (INTJ), my Hogwarts house (Ravenclaw) and my enneagram. In the video I said I'm an 8. I need to confess that the core motivations of an 8 are not what I think is most important in life. I do often want to be in control but I would rather work on a solo project than be the leader of a group project; I'd rather work freelance than be the boss of other's.

So I'm not an 8. I did develop and use the traits of 8 when my siblings came into the picture and I felt like my idently was being threatened, so I became controlling. The thing my self actually would actually walk around thinking about most is my identity. I'm a four. A precious, emotional, flamboyant, individual. And I've often struggled with feeling different from everyone else.

Good God of all creation, just read my 'About page' and there it is plain and simple; "I'm always looking for solution. A way to understand myself, how to live the life I've been given, what I am feeling, how to master a new skill, a technique for understanding others better, a way around the difficulties that will inevitably pass, and how to communicate my passion and my story to the world".

These are the words of a true 4 wing 5.

The very first thing that was given to me, by other humans, is my name. This was the first thing the world gave me as part of my identity. The name Rebekah was a part of me and a thing that was all mine to use as my label for myself. Then I realised that when I was born, and in our small town area, a lot of people wanted to call their daughters Rebekah.

So having the name Rebekah was really hard for me growing up. Simply having the same name as me was a crime. The uniqueness of something is only saved by nothing else being like it. At least mine's spelled differently and I thank my father for changing it a couple of days after I was born. I have had too many Rebeccas in my classes at school and each time I meet someone with the same name I am guaranteed to have a small identity crisis.

Someone having the same name feels like a theft of who I am. And I hate when people think they should point out that they know another Rebekah when the meet me. As a 4, I've wanted to be the only one. So in high school I actually changed my name on the school role to 'Becky' because Rebecca Repmair kept being put in the same class as me and I needed her to go away. Seriously sharing the role with her for 3 years felt stink. It always felt like a personal attack.

And it forced me to do other things that would, not necessarily make me stand out, but would make me different from the rest of everyone I knew.

Where I grew up there were just too many other Rebbekahs, and Rebeccas. Too many for me as a 4. And I used to hope deep down that I will never meet another. I truly wanted to never meet another.

Yes, I know this is irrational and impossible. I have now realized it, so in future I may be able to deal with it better. But this kind of thinking would only come from a 4, and it should be a known fact that 4s hate meeting people with the same name.

I've realized that as a 4 with my core sin being envy and this sort of manifests by me trying to stop other people from being special by absorbing their creative talents for myself. It's hard to just let other's be the only one who can do something. That's why I've taken on minimalism, podcasts, youtube, blogging, writing, French, ASMR,

I feel too that when I really give my music to the world- which is the original thing I really started with other people will want to take that from me and that's why even though I'm always inspired by other people's music I don't want to write or somehow it won't make me special.

But let it be known that, not in my own strength, I can have forgiveness for all the other Rebekah's out there. Jesus living in me, sees these other people as beautiful unique creations and only loves them with his perfect love. Now my body is his to be alive on this side of the curtain, I can just let him take me along for the ride and love people like he does.

How I Identify as a HSP

First off, you're probably asking what's a HSP? That's Highly Sensitive Person. At least 1 in every 7 people are highly sensitive to the world around them and experience life with heightened responses compared to the rest of us. That can be a good thing, that can also make things more overwhelming.

Here's some of the things it affects in my life.

Colour Psychology
It works on me almost too well. Colour psychology is the science of colours having particular effects on mood. For instance, red raises the heart-rate a little making you either anxious or excited. Pink is calming while light green sustains that calm. Yellow and purple paints are successfully used in shops to decrease shoplifting. That very theory of purple not allowing ideas of taking anything on with you stopped me from doing well in a particular classroom that had purple walls. It's a colour that actually makes me uncomfortable and very fidgety.

I have always had a strong distaste for balloons. Loud noises hit through my whole body with a rush of new chemicals and it always changes how I was feeling before. I will start off in a party mood and then BANG, good mood gone and tension here to stay. It's not fair.

I prefer not to wear certain perfumes again after they've been associated with a location or situation. Nivea Night-time moisturiser reminds me of a dingy student hall I stayed in while I was in London, the day we went shopping. My Victoria's Secret body mist reminds me of the time I played my first concert and that was a stressful occasion. Every time I smell these things I'm am taken right back there.

Busy rooms
Two conversations at once is also overload for my mind to process and I'll immediately feel heavily sleepy. I have mentioned before that I'm an introvert, but I think perhaps being HSP is what makes me so introverted. It's typical that I will experience disassociation in shops to. Stores have so much in them, so many racks and shelves and the busyness of all that I disassociate from the space around me and feel like I'm dreaming.

This is a mental illness if it persists, disassociation. It's the third most commonly diagnosed mental health problem after depression and anxiety. In the same way that if you constantly feel anxious for no reason is a real problem called anxiety. So I'm not saying I have disassociation but I have moments of it when a room is too busy. And I don't think that would be the case if I wasn't HSP.

Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. It's euphoric tingling shivers from the back of the head and if strong enough down the entire body. Some people won't understand this sensation, they never feel it. Other's need a head massage from another person to trigger it, while there are thousands of YouTube videos with different sounds to help you feel it. I am very sensitive to ASMR. A lot more things trigger me and I can actually trigger it on demand by recalling other times I've felt it.

I can't ignore it. Maybe I've just got it bad but there have been times I've been curled up on the floor literally asking God to end my life, and this was because I had my period. If something in my body hurts it has my full-attention. Plus my flesh, if touched with just a moderate pressure, aces excruciatingly. It's typical of women to feel more sensitively than men, but being HSP intensifies it even more.

The night I first took an anti-depressant medication I thought I had the flu. I crawled from my room to the bathroom, and through-out my flat till my back was against the freezer. Then for the next couple weeks I had a bleeding nose a few minutes after I took it. Bloody noses are not even a known side-affect of that medication. And you'll know if you're a woman what antibiotics can do to your body; I have no chance of avoiding that dreaded skin condition.

I'm a light weight, there's no question. But I'm talking heavy drowsiness after just a couple mouthfuls. It's not a placebo. There are particular drinks, especially vodka, that I can't have at all or I'll feel sick immediately. I wish I could be back to normal after the first drink, when others don't usually feel so horrible till after drink number 3. If I take a single sip of wine on my wedding day, that 'perfect day' will actually be over.

If I drink coffee after noon I'll be up until 5am. It's as simple as that. I can't have caffeinated drinks without really weighing the pros and cons and ultimatly I have chronic anxiety anyway so I can't really risk it. Coffee will just make that worse.

Love languages, heard of those? There are five major revenues that different people feel cared for and loved; touch, gifts, words, quality time, acts of service. I always know my love-tank level and I know when my love-tank if filling; I'm hyper aware of when something is truly bring new life and appreciation into myself. And having a low love-tank has extreme affects on my behaviour and attitudes.

Where I live there is a culture we kept from our Scottish ansestors; stoicism. As a musician and performer it is quite hard to get any sort of reaction out of an audience. They'll clap after every song out of habit, but there's no screaming, cheering or moving. But as an audience member my own body refuses to remain still as I listen to music. My feet have to tap with the beat and I have to sing harmonies and I feel the tension in the music through my body like a drug. 

Horror films
I don't like to see people hurting. I feel music strongly. If you put these two things together I'm not going to have a good time. Thank God, I have a different relationship with fear than what I had a few years ago but I also know my limits when it comes to watching stuff that is meant to be scary.

More things that come along with my case of being highly sensitive;
- I startle easily
- Charity advertisements make me cry
- Just seeing a police car makes me incredibly unnerved
- Closer to a deadline I become only focused about the assignment
- I automatically take on the moods of people around me
- certain rooms are particularly uncomfortable to be in; even if it's related to the arrangment of the furniture, 

So in a vibrant, noisy and broken world it's hard feeling like you're the only one that feels everything. This is me on a journey to understanding myself and discovering I'm HSP is one of those things that are going to help I move forward. 

Why I'm Not Using Hormonal Birth Control

When I was recently trying out a new birth control pill, I immediately started showing symptoms that I could not deal with on a daily basis. Then I got to thinking about the long term effects  this drug could have and it was then, at 4 days into my pack, that I remembered the dreadful dark depression that I suffered the first time I was on the pill.

That season of depression was now 5 years ago, but it brought to light some on going mental health issues that I still have to live with today. That depression that was either brought on by my first few months on GINET, or my pre-existing poor mental health was catalysed by the drug; turning from chronic anxiety to very suicidal depression.

I only wish I knew that I had a history of anxiety. Instead I put the daily bats in my belly down as morning sickness, or butterflies due to a boy I liked. Back then I had no idea that mental health and mental illnesses were a thing, or that other people in my family were medicated for such problems.

I've been meaning to write a post about my depression for a while. Why? Because this is the place where I can share whatever I want, it's a lifestyle blog, and I find writing things down to be the best way to explain things. Maybe, this is to be that post.

The depression I had in 2013 drove me to fail my final year of high school. I felt totally alone, helpless if ever I didn't understand the assignments, and it made me very sensitive to criticism. So when a friend one day said,"You are so annoying," I spent the rest of the day with thoughts of a murder/suicide. That was the worst day of my life.

My doctor, of course, would have seen this as a problem. Any significant changes in your health and state of mind are things they want to know about. But when I went on ginet I was unaware of what could possibly be monitored. If I knew my situation was so critically unhealthy I would have asked for help much earlier.

The reason I was on 'ginet' was my chronic cystic acne. Yea, I know, gross. It was my mother who was actually more concerned about how bad it looked. I didn't care that when I stopped taking the pill the spots came back. I wasn't insecure about my skin, it had never stopped me from having friends at school. I stopped believing it would go away and I learned to ignore it completely. When my skin temporarily cleared up, I went off the pill. In my mind, I had no reason to keep taking it. Ultimately, it turns out my last year of high school was just the worst time to work on clearing it up. 

I now have, not full blown depression but a theory. My depression, though I was on the pill at the time, was also during the winter season. My depression might in fact be Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) and I am already bracing for winter.

The things I know for sure about my suggested S.A.D. are:
In the winter of 2013 I had depression.
In the winter of 2014 I spent a month in Europe in July, in the sun.
In the winter of 2015 My mental state took me to the park in the middle of the night to cry and hope that someone might attack me.
In the winter of 2016 I would legitimately lose my will to live whenever I had assignments to do.
In the winter of 2017 it was the same; a wonderful concoction of perfectionism, procrastination, anxiety, and a quarter-life crisis.

I know that this year I will get more time in the sun on my honeymoon. If July here means snow while California is the golden coast, I guess that's one of the best reasons to have a winter wedding. But 'honeymoon' also means I need to start thinking about birth control.

I made up a list of 16 reasons why I don't want to go back on the pill. I made this list because I thought I needed to convince my fiancé. It turns out I was making this list to convince myself, and the man I'm marrying is ultimately supportive of anything I need to do to stay healthy and sane.

This is some of my list, incase I need to justify it to anyone else out there; or if you're looking for support yourself.

11 Reasons Why I'm Not Using Hormonal Birth Control

#1 - My General Sensitivity to New Medications
When I first took escitalopram for my depression, I thought I had the flu, I wanted to vomit and crawled through the flat trying to find a cool wall to put my back against. Then the bleeding nose 10 minutes after taking it came in the next few weeks. That is my general sensitivity to new medications.

The same sensitivity came in to affect when I recently tried going  on the pill; migraines throughout the day followed by bawling my eyes out every single night over nothing. As if I were in my first trimester of a pregnancy. Well that's what the pill does, it is designed to trick your body into thinking it is already pregnant so it will not do so a second time. I cannot live like that, a hormonal mess every day of the year, of every year until I actually want to get pregnant. And still it will not be over.

#2 - My Unstable Mental Health
Going on the pill will very likely force a relapse in my depression. I do not want to go there ever again.

#3 - Conviction From God
I simply had a strong feeling that I knew was God telling me not to put synthetic hormones into my body so I won't get pregnant. He's not saying I have to have kids as soon as I'm married, but I also feel like if he wanted to give me a baby this is a slap in the face for him. It's just a bit too much taking it into my own hands, when I have said I want to trust him with every part of my life.

Taking the pill would get in the way of who I was designed to be and that's counterproductive while getting closer to the person God wants me to be is literally my purpose on this planet.

#4 - Potential Change In Psyche
Because the pill makes you think you're already pregnant there's something very interesting that happens to the prospects of men you'd consider as a partner. Usually you are unconsciously looking for a good mate who will provide strong, healthy offspring with more variety in the gene pool, but women that are pregnant prefer someone who will help in looking after the children.

Firstly I don't know what that could do to the feelings I have for my partner, and secondly what else might change? The truth is I don't know what else might change. I know who I am, or I've almost worked it out and I don't want to lose myself again to another drug.

#5 - The Daily Task of Oral Admission
When you're on the pill you need to take it every day and at the same time. I didn't get that right for only 4 days. I've been on medication for my mental health since that winter in 2015, coming up on 3 years. I know I mess up all the time.

The fact is if you miss a pill, you may have your period early. I can at least guarantee that if you stop after 4 days like I did, your period will definitely come early. So it's just a hassle.

#6 - The Disruption of my Normal Cycle
My normal period brings on bloating, failure to lose weight and a few spots and tears. Then my stomach will stop puffing up and my skin takes time to heal. Around ovulation my libido is raised and my temperature probably goes up (haven't tried tracking it yet). And then when I'm about to have my period again I will dream of kittens. True story.

These are the tell-tale signs of my cycle. The bad ones are so manageable compared to being overweight, having chronic acne, and major depression. All things I am very familia with on a larger scale so I welcome these minor symptoms with loving arms.

If I'm on the pill, this all goes out the window. No change; every day the same, just not able to get pregnant. And I like my normal cycle, synthetic hormone free.

#7 - Month Long Disruption vs 6 days of being Fertile
You know how I just said "every day the same, just not able to get pregnant,"? Well there are usually only 6 days out of your cycle where you can actually get pregnant anyway. I just feel like changing your body with synthetic hormones for everyday of the month just so you don't ovulate and become fertile for 6 days out of the month is over kill.

#8 - The Effectiveness of Fertility Awerness
Women cannot get pregnant on just any day of the month, and if you don't have STDs to worry about then you don't even need protection every day of the month. If you knew when those 6 days were, the days when you are able to make a baby, you could try fertility awareness as a method of contraception. If you're careful this can be up to 99.4% affective.

Luckily there are ways to know when you are fertile and when you're not.
- I've been using the app Clue for 3 years and they have an estimate of when I should be ovulating compared to the typical cycle.
- Your basal body temperature typically goes up a few tenths of a degree during this time and stays up until your next period.
- Cervical mucus also changes consistency and becomes thicker.
Ovulation tests can prove when you are ovulating as they detect an increase of luteinizing hormone in your pee.

#9 - Risk of Weight Gain
I have been working hard to lose weight for my wedding. Why would I allow this to be jeopardised?

#10 - Control Over the Entire Body just to Affect Fertility
I've already said I think it's over kill to take a pill everyday so you can't get pregnant in the 6 days you usually could. I also think it's insane to put synthetic hormones into my body and risk my mental health, my weight, my psyche, and every other part of my body just so I can eliminate my fertility.

My fertility is one small part of my body and the pill is not yet designed to target only that small part of my body. I think it's more worth it to work around my fertile days than to switch it off at the risk of affecting the rest of my body.

#11 - Shorter Cycles
My cycle is usually 5 weeks long. 30 days without a period. The typical birth control pill pack has 21 hormone pills in it and 7 sugar pills, this means my 30 days without a period is cut down to 21, and I would have more periods. Seriously, that's a sure candidate for the worst deal a woman in the first world could make.

I hope by sharing this others can learn from my experiences. Know that you are not alone. I'm certainly not saying anyone should be too scared to take the pill but I sure am. I know I'm going to run into other problems now that I haven't got hormonal contraception to back me up but that's another story for another time.